1 Negative comment really knocked me down

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Vimes
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1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by Vimes »

Hi, I'm new here.

I need a long explanation so people can understand where I'm coming from. My apologies if it is rambling.

My ex girlfriend has depression. It got really bad last year (but that's another story). We ended up breaking up because it just got too hard. But I still care for her a lot. We are still friends and I'm still the one she turns to when she has problems.

So last week she had a flat pack chest of drawers she wanted help putting together. That is one of my worst nightmares but I offered to help anyway. She has ADHD so can not take in instructions very well, but my brain can actually handle written instructions, though my dyspraxia means that I don't have the co-ordination to put furniture like that together. We actually made a good team, between us we seemed to make 1 functioning human being. The drawers got made in decent time.

But then she told me where she wanted the drawers putting and asked me to move it there. I picked it up and the drawers came out and whacked my shins. I put it down and tried lifting it from a different angle, but that felt really awkward so I put it down again. At which point she called me an idiot, grabbed the chest of drawers herself and carried them away muttering under her breath.

I have been feeling really down about it for days. That someone I care about would shoot me down like that felt devastating. The worst part is I feel like I have done my best to be understanding about all the kinks in her brain and would't insult her for the things her depression makes her struggle with.

I know it's not really a big deal but being mocked over the things I'm not good at always hits me hard. I've been dwelling on it all weekend.

I feel like I can't tell her how bad it made me feel, because guilt is a big trigger for her depression, and I feel it would take her to a bad place. So I thought I would get it off my chest by sharing with complete strangers who hopefully understand where I am coming from.

Thanks for listening.
Tom fod
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by Tom fod »

Hi Vimes and welcome.

This would hit me hard too. I mean you've given up your time to help her interpret the instructions to assemble the flat pack together so it's a bit ungrateful of her really. I'd have been very tempted to tell her where to go, so well done and congratulations for holding your tongue and not lowering yourself.

Maybe she was more frustrated with herself that she was unable to do it for herself and that caused her to 'lash out' verbally without being aware of the hurt it caused and how ungrateful it might have appeared. If I get something wrong it's enough that I'm aware I got it wrong. I don't need anyone else to point out that I''ve made an error/have been awkward with something as I'm doing my own post mortem and worrying about what wrong impression others have formed.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and it is usually best to do the assembly as close to the furniture's final position as possible. If you have to move a chest of drawers, it is often easier and a better plan to remove and stack the drawers. move the carcase and reinsert the drawers afterwards once the carcase is in situ. (No bashed shins or swearing required!)
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Vimes
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by Vimes »

Thanks for the reply Tom.

I kinda needed confirmation that it was ok to feel do low about something so seemingly trivial, so thanks for that.

I was dwelling over it all weekend, but once back on work my mood lifted so I feel a lot more positive now.

It bothers me that I let such things get to me that much. I don't think it would have been do bad except that:

A. It was prompted by my failure to do a traditionally "manly" task like DIY well. It makes me feel like less if a man when I fail at such things. I feel "A Real Man" would have built the furniture in under a minute, lifted it up one handed, put it place without breaking a sweat, impregnated the girl and then never called her again.

B. It was my ex girlfriend who insulted me. There are obviously a lot of complex feelings still lingering around.
Tom fod
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by Tom fod »

Vimes wrote: "A Real Man" would have built the furniture in under a minute, lifted it up one handed, put it place without breaking a sweat, impregnated the girl and then never called her again.
And Jeremy Kyle/the CSA would have become involved and you would have been informed that a father must pay to support his children etc . ..

I guess your ex also knows what buttons to push to hurt you should she consciously (or unconsciously) choose to.

Dyspraxia can feel pretty emasculating for us guys (and it's not easy for ladies either. See http://www.dyspraxicadults.org.uk/forum ... =10&t=3362 specifically Wayward's post of Sat Jun 29, 2013 8:09 pm.)

The whole idea of what a man should be is very subjective. People can have vastly different opinions influenced by any number of things including their own parents/upbringing, culture etc. Trying to live up to these 'ideals' with so many mixed messages can be difficult and at worst a danger. I struggle, since being visually impaired I don't/can't drive and I'm not interested in sport. Being a bit awkward and not comfortable in some areas has not helped.

Last weekend I'd arranged to meet a lady I'd been chatting to on a dating site and was 'foolhardy' enough to mention that I'd been for a walk with friends to see some daffodils and mention the interesting fact that Glos is home to the only properly native Daffodils in Britain. Well how dare I be so sexist to think that she would be interested in flowers and that as a bloke I should dare to mention I knew anything about such things! I was firmly rejected and informed she was no longer interested in meeting.

Well I can't help that I'm not the knuckle dragging neanderthal she may be looking for. If she wants that, she only has to step outside her front door! Equally I'm sure there are plenty of men online who will send her pics of their genitals (Karma in action). Best stop this rant here but I'm more amused than upset by her odd attitude now. She wasn't the right woman for me and I had a lucky escape. Anyway I must go out now to skip among the daffodils (that is a joke btw)!
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Vimes
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by Vimes »

Yeah dyspraxia can be pretty emasculating. I'm not your typical macho man either. Though I do like watching sport. Funnily enough I get that from my Mum. She watches more sport than anyone I know!

I wouldn't be interested in any women who pours scorn on the idea of going for a walk to see some daffodils. That sounds like a great way to spend a day. Keep saying stuff like that because eventually you will find the girl that says "that sounds really nice. Me and you should do that next time the weather is good." And she will be a keeper.
nickye
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by nickye »

Hi Vimes

I can certainly relate to how you felt about the DIY incident, and like Tom said well done to you for not lashing out an losing your temper! I think I may have had a bit of a shout at that point! In fact I'm fairly sure I would have lost my temper!

It is frustrating isn't it when things take longer. Sometimes it takes us quite a bit of courage to attempt something in the first place, so it doesn't help for someone to act like that. As a female, I suppose I'm not so worried about DIY, but I get a bit fed up when I'm told women are meant to be so good at multi-tasking and keeping things tidy. This is definitely not my strong point and my husband is better at that sort of thing than me! But I think we have a lot of other qualities like patience with people and caring. Also we all have to be ourselves, and it would be a boring world if we were all the same.

I hope you find people in the future who appreciate your good qualities. It's easy to get disheartened - I sometimes take things a bit seriously when someone criticises me or laughs at something I've done. Sometimes I know they don't mean it unkindly but it can be hurtful.

Anyway I hope things work out OK.
Nicky
maria
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by maria »

Vimes, instead of feeling negative, you should be patting yourself on the back for being such a lovely caring person that you didn't want to upset your girlfriend and push her back into depression. Sod DIY, what you did is what I call being a real man.

Nicky, I know what you mean about multi-tasking; I can't either. I can do two things at once tho, but only if one of them is talking! :grin: Seriously, I get so fed up of everybody claiming all women can multi-task. As I kept saying in my last job, it's just an excuse for men to be lazy by saying they can't, but there are men who can multi-task too.
Vimes
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by Vimes »

Thanks for the replies and kind words everyone :)

Don't talk to me about multi-tasking! I'm lucky if I can do one task well without confusing my poor brain by adding more tasks!

I feel like a bit of an idiot tonight. It took me what seemed like hours to open a tin of soup for my tea! Tin openers are my nemesis :evil: What made it worse was that it was Tesco "Value Range" tomato soup and really not worth the effort!

Luckily no one was there to see my struggle and/or mock me so my confidence isn't knocked too badly.
nickye
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by nickye »

Ah yes - tin openers! These used to be a problem until I found Magi-can tin opener which is easy for me to use. Can't remember where I bought it but think only somewhere local like Tesco.

I used to really stress about things like that, still do sometimes! It's hard to be patient with yourself, if only we had as much patience with ourselves as with others!
nickye
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by nickye »

It is the Culinaire MagiCan tin opener, just googled it and it's available from Tesco, Robert Dyas, sainsburys etc. it's not too expensive about £4 or up to £10 in some shops but well worth it as it's saved me hours of frustration!!
Vimes
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by Vimes »

nickye wrote:It is the Culinaire MagiCan tin opener, just googled it and it's available from Tesco, Robert Dyas, sainsburys etc. it's not too expensive about £4 or up to £10 in some shops but well worth it as it's saved me hours of frustration!!
Thanks for the tip. I've just ordered one of those tin openers online. Hopefully they'll do the job!
nickye
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by nickye »

Hope it works well for you! It's made a big difference to me and stopped my frustration a lot so hope you find it good.

Nicky
morgank82
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Re: 1 Negative comment really knocked me down

Post by morgank82 »

Vimes, I'm pretty sure you have depression also, u might of taking it and hide it most times or accept . That just means your strong, props to you for helping and being level headed about not cuzing more of a scene that she already opened up to say that word to u, knowing that you are too under a disorder that can't be helped most times.
Cheers
U can explain to her that , u don't know 100 percent what she is feeling under depression but we dyspraxics most certainly understand the feeling of feeling low about are self and it's a daily struggle just like hers.
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