Friends vs being on my own

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

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holleee
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Friends vs being on my own

Post by holleee »

I like being on my own, a lot.

I like being able to do things on my own at my own pace, undisturbed. There's no people to stress me out and I don't have to act like I'm 'normal'. At uni I've found it very difficult to start and maintain friendships, and when I see other people at uni with a wide circle of friends or close friends, I often find myself critiquing myself and wondering why I can't be like that. Social events at uni stress me out too, as I don't know what's going to happen or who I'm going to end up talking to awkwardly, I hate mingling. I do have quite a few friends, but I can only meet up with them for a few hours, otherwise I start getting tired and stressed and just want to go home and recharge on solitude. I hope to start my career as an artist after I graduate, but I know that this will involve a lot of networking, which I know I will absolutely loathe and will really stress me out.

Anyway, I was recently diagnosed and still getting to terms with what are my dyspraxic traits and what aren't. So, does anyone else feel like this? Is this something associated with dyspraxia? Does anyone have any coping mechanisms?

Thanks!
Jim
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by Jim »

I think many of us here can relate to that, especially those of us with over sensory issues which lends to social anxiety.

But I would advise to avoid isolating yourself too much. Don't loose the friends that you do have.

The more you isolate yourself the harder it become to socialise.
“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore” :whistle:
Jake468
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by Jake468 »

holleee wrote:I like being on my own, a lot.

I like being able to do things on my own at my own pace, undisturbed. There's no people to stress me out and I don't have to act like I'm 'normal'.
Feel exactly like this, last year I made a decision to completely isolate myself and its worked a treat, for example I no longer have to stop my music in the middle of a track (which I always hated doing anyway) and I can just observe people's stupid social gatherings where everyone talks yet very few genuine things are said.

As for feeling inadequate with my social standing, well, I never really cared about that anyway, and seeing as I've literally only made one real friend during my time at college (who I barely ever see anymore) I have to say the whole business just feels woefully pointless to me.
Tom fod
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by Tom fod »

But who really benefits from our withdrawing ourselves from society?

The idiots lose out on an opportunity to see a practical demonstration of the fact that some people are different and we can teach them a thing or two about decency and tolerance of others.

Also by shutting ourselves out we deny ourselves the opportunity to learn about and understand others and meet some equally wonderful people.

Yes it can be hard and there are some cruel and horrid people we will have to endure, but sadly human nature is such as it is. Don’t dismiss other people in a general sense. It’s as non sensical as their dismissing us.

That’s my 2p’s worth and I hope this will turn into an interesting debate.
Tom
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holleee
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by holleee »

Oh, I totally agree! I don't believe in dismissing and hating everyone. I know that there's many, many cool and different people to meet and I look forward to those opportunities. I think I'm just at a point where I'm starting to realise how awkward I really am and understand that it's something that can actually be fixed. Also I think its a mixture of me being dyspraxic and hating uni. Maybe when I graduate i'll be nicer!
Tom fod
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by Tom fod »

holleee wrote:Oh, I totally agree! I don't believe in dismissing and hating everyone. I know that there's many, many cool and different people to meet and I look forward to those opportunities. I think I'm just at a point where I'm starting to realise how awkward I really am and understand that it's something that can actually be fixed. Also I think its a mixture of me being dyspraxic and hating uni. Maybe when I graduate i'll be nicer!
Hi Holleee,

Didn't mean to in any way imply that you 'need to be nicer' as I'm sure you are a very nice person already and take yourself off to recharge so you can always at least try and show your best self to others and use your alone time as your coping strategy for when you need to make sense of the world in your own terms. There are plenty of people out there who could benefit both themselves and others by adopting/employing such a strategy.

Being different is a struggle as many of us aspire to try and be what we/our friends/society term 'normal'. However normal is an enigma and it doesn't help us to try to compare ourselves with others as we generally always come off worse in such comparisons. You'd be surprised who does feel awkward. Some people are better at masking/hiding or dismissing the innate fear of looking like an arse. Some could even benefit personally if they could themselves develop such a fear!

Being comfortable with oneself when you're also dyspraxic is a battle but we're fighters who need to hone our different skills and learn to use them appropriately. Anyway enough psycho babble from me. I hope you find the forums (fora) a useful and supportive haven.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
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Vimes
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by Vimes »

Maximus12 wrote:I have always been an introvert, and I can't imagine a time when I won't be. At my university have I have one very good friend and I know a lot of people, but I very rarely socialise with them. My good friend I see a lot outside of uni and the strange thing is he ostensibly has a lot of friends and is very popular. I went to a couple of house parties that he hosted but failed abjectly to make any new friends there, rather I appeared to irritate those around me. The truth is I am actually happiest on my own, I read and write a lot so my imagination is probably my best friend.
I've never been comfortable with house parties so I can relate.

My suggestion is to try get involved in a less pressurised social gathering than a party. If your friend likes a certain TV show take an interest in it and try and invite yourself round to watch it with him.

Me and my friends always gather to watch Game of Thrones. I'm not great at meeting new people, but some of my friends invite their mates and before you know it I'm their friend too. When I see them I can talk with them about Game of Thrones, or other similar shows/films/books/computer games. Finding things in common is the way to make friends and it can be easier than you might think.
GlassOnion
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by GlassOnion »

My main way of trying to be a bit more sociable & outgoing seems to be drinking alcohol, so meeting up with people in pubs etc.. That s probably not a very healthy pattern of behaviour, but it s difficult to see a way out of it.. I don t really like spending lots of time in a group, during the day, without any social lubrication etc. Even if i know them quite well, it gets a bit difficult to focus on the general flow of things, & I get a bit tired after a while, & a bit self-conscious, & just feel restless & compelled to go away & find my own space again. Also I ve got some sort of embarrassing motorological problem with my eyes where I don t know where to look sometimes, & find eye contact very uncomfortable, so that s another impulse that leads me to shun big groups of people most of the time. Unless I can have a drink, which sort of dulls my over-sensitivity a bit & makes the whole thing a lot more bearable, & even quite fun sometimes ! but that attitude to alcohol isn t very good I think, & has lead to me treating alcohol in the same way that Popeye treats spinach, on occasion... as a crutch, or a way to try & surmount problems .. although it often just brings problems of its own..
Sometimes I do envy people who are a bit more extroverted & naturally comfortable hanging out with crowds of friends. It was something that would ve made me quite self-conscious at Uni, but isn t so much of a problem now. Ideally I just have a close knit group of friends that I meet individually whenever, or maybe a few people at the pub, which is fine. Trying to meet girls is usually a problem tho, & that is where my alcohol/spinach, me/popeye analogy is at it s most pronounced, & that s what drives it a great deal ...
ceres108
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by ceres108 »

I find I also rely on drinking write heavily. I live in a village, and groups of friends intermingle quite a bit, and having 2 or 3 ( or 5 or 6) drinks makes talking to people I don't know a bit easier. All my anxieties get saved till the next day, however. I'll go over everything I did and said and be really worried about it.
GlassOnion
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by GlassOnion »

Really need to try out some healthier alternatives, I ve been experimenting with a few dietary supplements to see if that makes things a bit easier. 5-htp, l tyrosine, theanine, st john s wort etc. They re all supposed to contribute to serotonin or dopamine levels in the brain so might be a way of helping over-sensitivity/ anxiety issues. The problem (among others) with drinking is that it makes you progressively stupider, & then if that s one of the ways you habitually socialize, people start getting a terrible impression of you !
Tomtom
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Re: Friends vs being on my own

Post by Tomtom »

Onion, I can relate there, until I start drinking, I'm too introverted, but then if I drink too much, I can start acting like an idiot. Hollee and Jake, friends are an important support network, you don't need to have millions of friends and go to every party, but having a close friend/handful of friends is very important!
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