Boyfriend is both dyspraxic and dyslexic

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

Moderator: Moderator Team

Post Reply
NellyTess
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2014 11:14 pm

Boyfriend is both dyspraxic and dyslexic

Post by NellyTess » Sun Aug 10, 2014 11:59 pm

Hi all, newbie here looking to learn a lot more about dyspraxia.

I've been with my boyfriend since 20th April 2014. He told me before we got together that he has dyslexia so I was already aware of the hurdles he faces in day to day life. However, he failed to make me aware of the fact that he is dyspraxic until 6th August. I had very little knowledge when he told me. He assumed I knew a lot about it because I studied psychology. My course barely mentioned dyspraxia. So, I really do want to learn more about it and not just through books/info sites. I want to learn from people who actually have dyspraxia or live with someone who has dyspraxia. I'd hugely appreciate any feedback on the info I've provided below.

A bit about us:

My bf and I get on really well most of the time. There is one thing that truly baffles me though. He's extremely affectionate (cuddles all night even whilst sleeping and always follows my sleeping position to cuddle me), very loving and compliments me a lot when he's around me in person. But, when he's working away (contractor) he becomes quite distant. His level of communication varies each day. Sometimes he's messaging constantly, other days I don't hear from him at all. I guess I should add that he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 9 years ago. I know that will have an influence, but it is still hard to understand. In general telephone communication is erratic. He calls me randomly and usually at times when I definitely will be busy. I'm guessing this is down to him not being very organised with time and so on? I really don't know.

He always says how much he's missing me on the phone but the lacking communication over the phone really throws me off. I don't get how he claims to miss me so much but doesn't act like it. I understand him being dyslexic will be a hurdle when it comes to reading my messages... but his responses are always appropriate.

I have noticed that he seems to think I don't think about him unless he gives me a reason to. An example, he'll say he's getting me a surprise then not follow through. He seems to think that will make me think about him, the reality is it doesn't. It just sends me into over thinking mode and I get extremely frustrated. I don't need him to give me a reason to think about him, I do it all the time in a good way. I'm guessing this could be down to some self-esteem issues. Again, I really don't know and I'm struggling to see why he thinks like that.

A bit about me:

I am extremely organised, to the point where it's obsessional. So we are chalk and cheese in that sense and it has been an issue at points. I can't relate to him preferring not to make plans and he can't relate to my obsession with specific times and planning.

I care about him a lot already, we really do click when around each other. He is very charming and very sweet. He's an excellent father to his daughter and he's great with my daughter too. So this little frustration I have does make me feel awful because I always enjoy spending time with him.

There is a chance that I have some form of social anxiety disorder or even mild aspergers syndrome based on feedback I've had from family and friends. They've always pointed out how I was quite the loner and preferred my own company. They also pointed out how I'd fixate on things then tire of them within a short period of time then fixate on a new thing. So, it's safe to say my obsessive tendencies are pretty apparent. My eye contact is also quite poor. My bf has noticed how bad my eye contact is and seems to think it's because I'm shy. The reality is I just find eye contact very awkward and quite threatening.

The addictive/obsessive tendencies are a thing both of us have in common though. He goes through his phases just as much as I go through mine. He can relate on that one 100%.

So, as you all can see, we're both pretty complex individuals. Opposite in many ways yet very similar in many ways too.

Sorry about the huge post, I know there's a lot to read there. I just want to paint as clear a picture as possible.

Thank you,

Ellen.

Tom fod
Administrator
Posts: 1832
Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 10:05 pm
Location: SW UK

Re: Boyfriend is both dyspraxic and dyslexic

Post by Tom fod » Mon Aug 11, 2014 11:22 pm

Hi Ellen

Welcome to the forum and if you think it will help please direct your boyfriend here. (we can delete this post later and beforehand if need be.)

Often we can become hyper focused on one thing so it maybe that when he is away and not in contact he is trying to hard to concentrate on his work. Other times when he is in contact he's focussed on you (and hopefully is not getting into trouble for not concentrating on doing what he's being paid to do). We do tend to struggle to concentrate sometimes but when we are focused on something we can lose track of everything else. There have been a number of recent examples of posts like yours so please do have a look back as they may help you to understand and appreciate reasons for his quirks. The difficulties with not remembering when is a good time or when is not an appropriate time to call are very typical.

Because we have short term memory issues, he might have been concentrating on something else then suddenly think 'aaaaarghh' I've forgotten to call. I must call now or she'll be worried/angry/upset. However, it's likely he may have completely forgotten/failed to realise that you may be still asleep at that time of the morning, or at work/in college, on the train etc but he'll be in a panic because he's worried he's neglected you and you might be about to dump him.

Self Esteem issues are very common. The best thing to do is to be patient with him and ready to reassure him when needed.Try to treat him as an individual rather than a dyspraxic so that he and you can learn to feel more at ease with each other.

Hope this helps
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

NellyTess
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2014 11:14 pm

Re: Boyfriend is both dyspraxic and dyslexic

Post by NellyTess » Tue Aug 12, 2014 11:32 am

Hi Tom,

Thank you, I will definitely suggest it to him :)

I see, that explains a lot. He has mentioned his short attention span too.
Well, at least the reasons for this are definitely linked to dyspraxia which in a way is reassuring. At least I can learn to understand and respect the difficulties he faces.

I'll definitely read the past posts.

I try to avoid texting him whilst he's working, I try to keep it to dinner break and after work. Even then I leave him alone for a bit because I know he'll be in the pub with the team having a beer. Not one for mithering my man whilst he's around the guys. Hopefully he hasn't felt like he has to text whilst working.

Ohhh, I didn't think about it that way. I do hope he knows I wouldn't ever dump him just like that, I'm a tad more rational than that and respect him too much to do that to him. I don't really get angry either, more exasperated. That's down to my own need for time management. That will take time for me to chill out over, it's been ingrained into me since I was very very young. But, I care about him and don't want my weaknesses effecting him. I'll try to be a lot more patient regarding that.

I wouldn't ever want to treat him like he isn't an individual. He's such a special guy, I wouldn't want to insult him by treating him like he's just part of a category. That would be like him just viewing and treating me as a lone parent. If he's struggling with something, I wait until he asks me. I respect that he's got a lot of pride and is pushing it to one side when he's asking me for help. I wouldn't ever make a fuss or mollycoddle him.

Oh I will definitely be patient and reassure him, he knows I am there for him no matter what. He randomly confides in me, he seems to have bouts of openness then retreats. I can relate to that, I had very similar behaviour when it came to being open. He's improved since I met him though, the first time I met him he said "I'm not an open person" he was right... but he seems to be getting more and more comfortable which is very reassuring.

Appreciate you taking the time to read my post, thank you :)

Ellen.

Post Reply