Problems with communication and socialisation

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

Moderator: Moderator Team

Little Miss Anxious
Power poster
Posts: 225
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 10:32 pm
Location: Ireland
Contact:

Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Little Miss Anxious » Sun Dec 08, 2013 3:34 am

How does a person create a social circle of 1 to 2 friends or more while also seeing few every week regularly and trying to maintain the friendship and what must a person do when they have lost the interest of their friends and when their friends become distant and begin to dislike the person they once were fond of?

I want a friend, particularly a female friend, to spend time with weekly, regularly or once a month or every second week. I speak to nearly everyone one and many people also speak to me so that it is no problem. I don't know whether or not they like me, that is the thing. Everybody seems to be sooo busy to make time for another people unless they tend to bump into them or see them in a lecture or at break or lunch, by chance. I want to go clubbing, abroad and to gigs and open mics.

I will explain the following treatment I get below:

In college, some people will talk to me while others will only talk to me if I talk to them
I have met a few people who hung out last year, who also are hanging in year 2
I get allot of hello Amy
Last year few people approached me saying I was in their class but never suggested anything in terms of inviting me places and few wanted their photograph taken with me.
A girl I hung out with the most last year, doesn't like to go out and doesn't communicate by phone call or text so if I see her we go for coffee or lunch, if I don't see her nothing happens. And those who I had coffee with last year, rarely had coffee with me.

So many people including out of college and in college have given me the impression that they are fond of me or admire me.

In college no man approaches me

Outside college, so many men have approached me and approached me for years, including few times on the street. So many men want to hang out with me and so many men want to kiss me and touch me and may go further than kissing and touching if you know what I mean. Many men find me who have huge emotional baggage such as addiction problems, aggression, creeps, arrogance, players, beggars as in begging me for sex or a kiss, psychological, physical, mental and social problems such as self-harming, suicidal, depression and child abuse. The ones with the mental, psychological and social problems are they only guys who want me to be their girlfriends and want a serious relationship, but they are very bad for healthy mind and can be so emotionally, physically and mentally draining where I must mostly behave as their mother, nurse, carer, councilor, or as somebody who they go to to receive what they want but don't get from other people such as sex and money etc.

Anyway a part from all that, no men who are mentally stable and who share some similarities to me and who don't have depression, are not interested in dating me or having a serious relationship with me so I either end up alone, single or with boyfriends or partners who are not good for me. Many men who are not good for me, seem to appreciate my company allot, compared to men who are good for me. Many who are good for me, always are not seeking commitment or waiting for the right girl or woman which they don't think is me.

I don't know who my friends are. I had some at childhood but they are all gone. I have my ex, friend who is very lonely, wants love, is attracted to me, has quite a low energy, forgets allot of things and there are interruption issues and he throws fits or something over small debates or disagreements such as philosophical or theoretical ideas like where humans come from. Anyway, he is dependent on me for both company and for feeling better inside but he plays golf and loves his job and is quite independent.

I have helped out with an educational film festival this year and also took part in the Homework club as a mentor. I have been attending jamming sessions and weekly open mics where I have performed. I think the tourists in a hostel in Galway loved me and so did two Brazillian guys from Dublin and to New Jersey guys I met him Dublin. I feel for that Brazilian guy but he is not interested in me being his girlfriend or in dating. The Newjersey guys emm Rick said "I love that" and the patted me on the head a couple of times and other times he put his arm around me. I took this to mean that he expressed a fondness towards me. He had been winking at me at times and he gave me a great hug when he led me to the door to get a taxi and he gave me money for a taxi and before I left him I said "I hope you enjoyed yourself" meaning, I hope you enjoyed being with me and communicating with me. He said "I hope you enjoyed yourself". I had Lauren gitis at the time so couldn't say much. "Safe home". Then he shut the door, he said that he had no key to get back inside so couldn't walk me to the taxi. We did get it earlier but I stopped half way, saying that I couldn't do it and he said "ok well I suppose you might wanna be getting home, I don't think you like my company, I think you are uncomfortable around me and probably would rather wake up in your own bed, I know I would, you wouldn't like getting up soo early anyway and we have to get up so early for a tour. Then afterwards he told me a story about how his sisters friend made him look for something she thought she had left behind in his house. Rick told me but maybe it was a lie, he told me that he did like me and did wanna see me again and that I am stupid for thinking otherwise, in other words, thinking that he didn't want to see me again.

I went to some events also and could have a laugh with people, it just never progressed further. I am soo shy. I liked this guy last year, but never had the guts to suggest something, and we had deep chats about 8/10 times in total. I did mention a party but he said that I just show up somewhere and that they have parties many places so I can easily find one. His name was Ushien. He never checked me out or gave me signs that he fancied me or anything, he was worker in a locker section and was a 2nd year student in the college. I never really no how to start a chat or to try to get someone to hang out with me, but I have attempted to by giving my email, or phone number, leaving strange but funny jokes notes of mystery, suggesting for us to go out somewhere, saying hello or making a comment. A guy from my class this year hasn't suggested we should hang out and his name is Dave and he has been gazing at me the most out of every girl in my class and he even smiles, laughs and checks me out. Yet he makes no effort in communicating unless I do and he never sits beside me but if I sit beside him, he creates no fuss. 2-3 weeks ago when I properly introduced myself when he asked me who I was after I asked him who he was, he took out his hand requesting a handshake, but it wasn't a handshake just holding hands for a few seconds or a minute. The first time we spoke was in class, on the second week and when I initiated communicating with him, he made a joke which i thought was funny and we both smiled and laughed. I am so unclear about what his intentions towards me were and are and why he was looking at me soo much including straight through my eyes and grinning. I eventually requested a facebook friendship but he hasn't responded and its been 2 weeks now. I left a funny note without him looking, before I sent the facebook request saying "Amy here, do you wanna click the button, yes or no, your call!!!

I attending weekly acting classes but no whether or not I am liked anymore and I sense that I am not but am quite opinionated and have shown that in class and group meetings, several times. I was also told by the acting teacher of the class that I should question less and listen more. He was saying things about my acting performance that i couldn't see so I interrupted him or questioned him as a way of defending myself but I couldn't relax otherwise. I will listen to his advice and take in what he says but if I can't see the rationality based on theoretical factors of acting as well as knowing how I behave around people and who I am as a person, then I will not listen to his advice. For example I don't swear and don't punch people that much in a playful matter and confident laid back manner so I was using that to portray a laid back arrogant aggressive foul mouted film maker but I was told that he could only see me. I also took on the role of an irreligious, British, old fashioned, lady like woman and walked kind of like a model or like a lady who has dignity and I cared so much about being clean and well dressed and smelling nice and chose to be the character or a person with strict parents who never ever was put in a tragic situation such as man dieing from a stabbing and I don't like blood so I chose to behave hysterical by using my hands allot to show how panicked I was and I tried to resuscitate him as well as praying and touching him because I have no education accept for working as a secretary and the holy bible so you touch people including the badly hurt or dead as a way to express compassion and comfort, which is what my aim was. However, the film director said that I was using my hands too much, him or somebody else couldn't understand why I was touching the body in such a manner and he said that there was no character. Every time he says there is no character he means that all he sees is me, but how can he. He seems to have a stubborn personality, but in class and outside class. He calls me pet though and has complimented me more than once and done strange things like walk over to where I am siting in a pub, place his hand on my shoulder or back for few minutes and then walk away. the first night of the class he was so observant that he informed me of few buttons coming unloose on my shirt. I try to socialise with the whole crew but recently don''t feel so much part of the group and compared to others, the film director and teacher hasn't mentioned me on one of his posts on the acting class on face book except for my acting performance rating and he no longer says me anything but professional texts such as acting requirements or classes. He also hasn't invite me to join him for a drink, but he did do that the first night after acting class. I now have no idea where I belong in life. I guess I will also be an outsider while also sharing similarities to the group who are classified as disabled.

Thanks for listening.

Hope to hear from you soon.

WB......
Amy Conway

scififreak1992
Getting settled in
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:06 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by scififreak1992 » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:08 pm

Hey,
I have very similar problems to you. I have one friend outwith my Mum and my brothers girlfriend who I can talk to most days and I feel very lucky to have her but I know she is just my friend because she is just as alone and knows that I'm not exactly going anywhere when she returns from her boyfriend who puts her down all the time.
The only place I go is to my boyfriend's house and she won't talk to me when I'm there because she fell out with him early on in our relationship. I luckily found a fellow dyspraxic who was thankfully already on the healing path from serious depression.
In my past I've been used and abused and managed to find either the boys who just wanted sex or boys who were super clingy. To be honest they were frightening mixtures of those kinds of boys.
I managed to find people at college by either sticking to a group and following them around until I could enter the conversation properly (I was super quiet then), or I think the other course I looked like a lost puppy and as I was on a childcare course a group of people took pity on me. I don't talk to any of them since I left college and they weren't forced to be social with me.

hope my tiny little reply helps. You can always chat to me if you want :)

FAndrews
Power poster
Posts: 207
Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:20 pm

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by FAndrews » Wed Jan 15, 2014 12:23 am

well from the male point of view i also have similar problems, i have a very small social circle and have trouble meeting new people and starting relationships, this has been true all my life. my combination of Dyspraxia and social awkwardness makes it awkward especially at big events such as parties (good with small groups) at meeting new people so i can sympathise with you on this, and yes most of these men are jerks and make the rest of us look bad. always happy to chat :)

scififreak1992
Getting settled in
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:06 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by scififreak1992 » Wed Jan 15, 2014 4:44 pm

Big groups of people or when people are too close make me nervous. I think its why I like my job at the tills, no one can get too close because the tills are in the way. :)

I seem to find one friend and them being super judgy of everyone else I like so only having that one friend. It doesn't help the social awkwardness and being very judgmental makes no sence to me at all. Why do people have to assume the worst?

Seeker
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:18 am

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Seeker » Thu Jan 16, 2014 4:35 am

I am new to this website and am hoping to get some replies. I have tried a few websites but have not had one single reply yet over many months. ](*,) I would love to get some conversation going.

I am sure I have Dyspraxia but have not been diagnosed. I have a long list of the symptoms. I am socially awkward due to Dyspraxia so I find it difficult to make friends.

I have just moved into a country town in Australia and have made a lot of effort to make friends. However, the people in the town stay mainly in cliques. The people in this town do not speak or say hello even if they see you every day unless they are friends. I have managed to make 2 friends and am accepted in a club working with disabled kids. Beyond that, I have been completly rejected at a playgroup for my son and my son's school. Initially the people in playgroup did speak to me but then I started having panic attacks which caused me to say and do silly things. They stopped speaking to me and would not allow their children to come to my son's house to play. Every day at my son's school, I sit and wait for him while the mum's sit next to me and in silence. They speak only if I speak. If I see them around town they look straight through me and do not say hello. The excitement at my son starting school has become a miserable experience. I stand alone at school functions. There is a group that are friends so this makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. One day I was surprised to see a mum smile and me in a friendly way so I started talking to her. I then realized she had been smiling at the woman behind me. That woman is friends with everyone. I wonder is she has any idea how it feels to be isolated like this or does she just see me as different and unworthy of her time.
I do not know whether this rejection is due to my own social awkwardness or the unfriendliness of the people in town. I feel like there is something wrong with me and do not know how to fix it. :bike:



I

Tom fod
Administrator
Posts: 1822
Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 10:05 pm
Location: SW UK

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Tom fod » Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:17 am

Hi

The social awkwardness, low self esteem and the feeling of isolation really are the worst things in my experience of being dyspraxic. Even though I have got to the stage where I realise I am well regarded I can still feel totally alone at times. I do sometimes feel that some people dismiss me out of hand though I do try to look at it as being their loss.

I think sometimes being too deferential doesn't help people as far as their accepting us. Do continue to make the effort and hopefully you will have a breakthrough soon.
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Jim
Super poster
Posts: 643
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:01 pm

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Jim » Fri Jan 17, 2014 5:09 pm

I broadly agree, it's very isolating.
Jim is back ... Jim is J i m and J i m is Jim.

Confused? I'd be.

FAndrews
Power poster
Posts: 207
Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:20 pm

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by FAndrews » Fri Jan 17, 2014 11:22 pm

You are preaching to the choir my friend, i have similar problems and often feel like i'm fading into the background some days especially at parties. but the trick is to never give up and try new things.

Seeker
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:18 am

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Seeker » Sat Jan 18, 2014 1:55 am

I think sometimes being too deferential doesn't help people as far as their accepting us. by Tom Fod

Can you please explain what you mean by being too deferential? People rarely approach me here for friendship so I have to make all the effort. Do you mean trying to become friends seems deferential?

Tom fod
Administrator
Posts: 1822
Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 10:05 pm
Location: SW UK

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Tom fod » Sat Jan 18, 2014 11:34 pm

Hi Seeker

This is an area I don't always feel confident in myself. I've come to the conclusion that some people don't respect my being quite timid and/or uncertain and tongue tied. In fact some people are just too darned impatient and others appear to prey on this as it very conveniently allows them an opportunity to mask their own insecurities by loudly and visibly drawing others attention to mine.

OF course this is an over simplification of what is vey complex and dependent on the different personalities involved in a given situation. I'm better than I was, though there are still times when I find my self-esteem seems to evaporate, I struggle to express myself clearly and to some I feel I must appear 'lost'.

I think by nature we often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others and as we're different we then tend to feel inferior. I often place/expect impossibly high standards of myself and it hurts that I can't always live up to them.

Hope this is clearer and also I hope that at least some of other mums come round to being more welcoming and inclusive.
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Ferrus
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jun 27, 2006 11:18 pm

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Ferrus » Mon Jan 20, 2014 3:55 pm

I have kind of wondered really whether my depressive style of thinking, and my inability to read social cues means I am best off avoiding relationships, for everyone's sake.

Moot
Power poster
Posts: 256
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 3:43 pm
Location: England

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Moot » Mon Jan 20, 2014 6:20 pm

^ Don't think like that, Ferrus!
Hopefully not making too many moot points... heh... *ahem* :D

Tom fod
Administrator
Posts: 1822
Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 10:05 pm
Location: SW UK

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Tom fod » Mon Jan 20, 2014 7:56 pm

Ferrus wrote:I have kind of wondered really whether my depressive style of thinking, and my inability to read social cues means I am best off avoiding relationships, for everyone's sake.
Hi Ferrus

Welcome to Dyspraxic Adults forum(s) (or fora). I can totally understand how and why you feel like that and I do it myself too. Was looking at Plenty Of Fish last night and was wondering why I even bother.

As Moot has said we need to avoid thinking like that. It's not good. We need to hold onto hope that there is someone out there so we can at least be open to the idea of actually being appreciated in order to be appreciated.

We're a nice bunch here so feel free to look around and contribute to posts and/or start new threads.
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

FAndrews
Power poster
Posts: 207
Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:20 pm

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by FAndrews » Tue Jan 21, 2014 10:55 pm

A positive attitude and way of thinking is the best start, i have this constant problem and i'm probably my own worst enemy and is a probable cause of my awkwardness and my poor self-esteem (don't believe most compliments said to me, just think they are being nice).
The thing you are doing with negative thinking is sabotaging yourself, i know all too well how easy this is. all the best things in life take effort it seems, focus on the positives on your life and you never know what the future might bring.

Seeker
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:18 am

Re: Problems with communication and socialisation

Post by Seeker » Sat Jan 25, 2014 2:23 pm

This is an area I don't always feel confident in myself. I've come to the conclusion that some people don't respect my being quite timid and/or uncertain and tongue tied. By Tom Fod

People seem to measure other people against their own experiences. If they are relatively confident socially, they often think that everyone should be. But this is very far from reality. For example, by 30 they might have had a lot of social experience and could handle most social situations. But they have completely missed the fact that the shy person might not have had the same opportunities to develop socially. I find this lack of tolerance frustrating.

However, there are some good books out there that I’ve found have helped me somewhat. “The Fine Art of Smalltalk“ is quite good. I also found some good information on the internet about eye contact and making friends.

Post Reply