Struggling to find love

[Mark]

Hello everyone

This week, I celebrated my 25th birthday (yey I'm old! ). I'm concerned, as I've not had a relationship yet, or so much as kissed a girl or held someone's hand.

I'm widely regarded as a good hearted and kind person, but I'm not massively attractive and lack confidence.

Understandably this is really getting to me, as I wonder whether I'll ever find a partner. I have been on dating sites for three years and had no replies to my messages at all. My town is out of the way and most young people left to find work elsewhere.

As many have said on here before, my Dyspraxia makes me struggle a great deal with the 'rules' of relationships. I'm often hesitant to make eyecontact foe example, as it's in my head that people may think I'm strange. I do have friendships with women; though most of my friends have moved away also. Does anyone have suggestions on what I could do to improve my chances? I'm trying to work on my self esteem.

Thanks,

Mark

[Jim]

Worry not... I'm 30 and am similarly single.

[Creative]

I'm 28 (nearly 29) and I'm single and I have a friend with dyspraxia who is single and they are 30.

[Tom fod]

I turn 38 in a week and I'm still single.

I shouldn't offer any advice but don't let it get you down.

[Mark]

Thanks everyone. Good to know I'm not alone in my quest!

[AlleyCat]

I don't know if anyone's been in this situation, but the kinds of friends you keep could be having a big influence on your confidence in relationships. Sometimes after years of bullying people with dyspraxia can find themselves grateful to be friends with anyone, even those who don't treat us as friends ought to. I used to have a 'good friend' who I had a lot in common with, but eventually came to realise that one of the main reasons she wanted to be friends with me was so she could feel good about herself and gloat about my lack of success where relationships were concerned. She always had to be in a relationship and kept rubbing it in that I wasn't in one, although I hadn't especially said that I was unhappy not being in one. When a mutual friend was interested in me, she encouraged it, but when it turned out that he wasn't interested any more (although he didn't have the guts to tell me himself), she took it upon herself to give me a lecture about how I had to 'stop bothering him' by sending him texts. A true friend wouldn't have given me a lecture, but would have agreed that he was a jerk for not telling me himself, as well as agreeing with me that he shouldn't have continued to reply to texts if he didn't want to receive them, and should have definitely not been ending most of his texts with a question! So, what I'm saying is that sometimes it's easy for people with dyspraxia to find themselves being friends with the wrong kinds of people, which makes it more difficult to find a partner to have a relationship with.

[minniemoo]

So, what I'm saying is that sometimes it's easy for people with dyspraxia to find themselves being friends with the wrong kinds of people, which makes it more difficult to find a partner to have a relationship with.

I also think we can find ourselves in relationships with people we shouldn't be with and either think 'how the hell did I get here' or 'how the hell do I get out of this one'? I have had a few relationships (4 including this one) and I've been responsible for ending them all. I've been in love once and should not have left him. I would like to blame dyspraxia for that - but it was sheer idiocy and perhaps, a touch of depression. I look back over my life and see a series of mistakes, some of my doing and some of others'. I don't know how much is due to dyspraxia - but I do know that I am bad at reading people, my own situation and others'.

Don't give up Mark, there are some lovely people out there, who are supportive, understanding and can see the real you. Someone who can love you for who you really are.

[Captain_Ludd]

I probably shouldn't be posting here cos I'm hardly the relationship king but here goes any how,
It sounds like a lot of your problems are self esteem based as you've said yourself, and I think the fact that you are obsessing over because you've never been in one is just making the situation worse, its just a big vicious circle.
I'm probably completely wrong but why not take a different tack, try not to stress so much (and I know how easy it is to say) just try and take some more time for yourself, its cliched I know but you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with some else.
And a word to the wise, I've found (although my experience is hardly extensive) that dating / relationships can be REALLY hard work so I wouldn't stress about it to much.
I'm not saying don't look for love cos if you find someone that works for you it'll be worth the effort, but I found the stress of being in a relationship far worse than the worry that your not.
As Minniemoo has said the problems we tend to have reading other people and not seeing undertones made things very hard for me (not saying this will be the case for you though)
The other major part of your problem is nothing to do with you sounds like its geographic, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea but it sounds like your trying to angle in a paddling pool, are there any activities or clubs where you live? if so try and get involved what ever it is, I know it'll be hard at first but its an option.
As for the internet dating thing its always an option but as you've found its not always effective and I've heard so many horror stories id keep it on the back burner personally.
Sorry if any of that came out a bit blunt or anti love but that's just how I see it I'm not trying to depress honest . Besides as I've said before if you want something bad enough you'll get it just keep trying.

[Tom fod]

I do agree with all that written by Capt Ludd. I guess the other thing I'm beginning to realise is many of us are often there to help and support our friends but we have, all too often, got to the point of giving up on ourselves (not entirely sure it's just an issue for us dyspraxics).

One of the difficulties is going out on a limb to try a new activity when there are self defeating thoughts floating round in our brains. There'll be no one I like, I'll be too shy, people will ridicule me. Is it worth the chance of quite possibly having to face another painful failure. Often these are based on bitter experience and I for one am super cynical and tend to be always seeking perfection (an impossible dream!)

The trick seems to be to go out there do your best, be able to find humour in our different ways of doing things but not to be hurt by those all too ready to judge others. This magical state of being seems to be the key to attracting partners. Must admit I'm struggling to master it (or the belief that I can), but hopefully soon 8-) There's a large dose of right place right time and good old fashioned fate/what's meant to be. It's not really possible to engineer meeting that right person but do keep trying and look for ways to create the opportunities to be noticed.

Think I need to go and purge myself of this book of motivational writing I must of swallowed or I'll choke! My advice to people is to try not to let such feelings be all consuming. We're good people and there are people out there who can and will appreciate us!

[lauraECFan]

Don't worry you will find someone. For all you know the one for you may be closer than you think I know im coming up to 21 now but my partner is actually one of my best friends brothers. Keep positive and one day you will find the one for you

[mattie]

You don't need a girlfriend or to kiss a girl to be worthy of love or feel valued, Mark. So many people are in crappy/failing relationships these days that it's totally meaningless anyway.

You are fine and great as you are. Having sex/kissing a girl proves absolutely nothing.

Matt.

[Vicky]

I completely agree with Matt I've only ever had one relationship and that was four years ago and recently I began to stress about this but a good friend said being in a relationship does not promise happiness so now I'm making the most of being young and now I've stopped stressing and relaxed I've found that I've actually meet a lot nice guys cos I'm not looking.

[Jim]

I'm not looking either.

But unfortunately for me I've haven't met any nice girls, or more to,the point any nice girls interested in me.

[mummytoowen]

im also struggling to find love, ive been single mum for 3 years. ive always struggled with relationships. been told i'm too full on is this something dyspraxics are too full on?? if anyone fancies a chat then send me a message

[Jim]

I think I'm the compete opposite of "full on".