Poor social life

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

Moderator: Moderator Team

Little Miss Anxious
Power poster
Posts: 225
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 9:32 pm
Location: Ireland
Contact:

Poor social life

Post by Little Miss Anxious »

I am a first year in college but am from another town and I decided to be a member of college in order to gain new experiences and a degree or honours in Arts and Humanities but I also enrolled in college to participate in the college lifestyle and make new friends and form groups for nights out. I am 25 years old and I haven't ye had a night out with anyone from my first year.

I would like to form friendships with people from my first year so that I will get the chance to be a part of a group as well as go on a regular night out to destress from college and just to have fun.

I am a member of the music society which only has 2nd and 3rd years.

The few friends I have made I have never went out with but I want to go out soon in a group or just with a few people to nightclubs and pubs. It gets lonely going to pubs alone.

I have made small chats with people from my first year but it never leads anywhere. I saw some people easily form friendships and bonds especially early in the college year but I struggle with it.

Have you any ideas on how I can make this better and finally get to be invited out to parties, nightclubs and pubs and events while being a part of a group or just some friends? I am in the house every week and it is very lonely.

Thanks for listening.

PS: I have learned that most people in my class do not bother to join or attend societies or special events.

WB....
Amy Conway
kira
Getting settled in
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2012 1:20 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by kira »

i had a similar problem with collage have you ever asked any of them if they wanna go for a drink. try ssaying something to some of them you get on with like.
i was going to head to the pub after class do you wanna come with then they dont get uncomfortable. you might have to try a few times and with different people try not to be too pushy.

once i get there i have a habit of once i've got a drink in my hand just saying something like. i've got this thing where i just dont know when to shut up sometimes or things come out sounding bitchy when i dont meen them to so if i do just tell me to shut up cause i really dont realise i do it. it breakes the ice a bit and explains a little bit some people have a laugh about it some ask more some say nothing but once it's a bit more out in the open i think it leaves things open to start friendship. thats how i delt with it i'm not still friends with them but it made collage easier.

i dont know if this is any help to you but either way you are not alone
Little Miss Anxious
Power poster
Posts: 225
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 9:32 pm
Location: Ireland
Contact:

Re: Poor social life

Post by Little Miss Anxious »

What do you mean by all that???

sorry.
Amy Conway
LilBee
Getting settled in
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Aug 15, 2012 6:58 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by LilBee »

I think what Kira is trying to say is that it's a common issue among dyspraxia people and explaining the behavior that irratates people. A major factor of forming relationships is our personailty or behavior; maybe try seek some help in finding a balance between to much or little. Here's a few tips: When talking to somebody, make sure your body is distanced at arms width to them. Try ask questions relating to them: Have you joined this, do you watch this, did you travel here, how long have you know this person\where did you meet, what parts of the course do you like\dislike. Be open, smile every few minutes, if your nervous fiddle inside your pocket (as people may perceive it negatively).

Try get in contact with the disabilty services available at college, no doubht you will be put in contact with those in similiar circumstances. :D
kira
Getting settled in
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2012 1:20 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by kira »

i didn't mean to offend you i don't know enough about your specifics to advise so i was just sharing my experiences and how i deal with it in hope that it might help you a bit. i was not implying that you come across bitchy or dont know when to shut up. thats just me.

Apparently my record of sounding unintentionally bitchy goes untarnished.
Tokis86
Getting settled in
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2012 6:46 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by Tokis86 »

My tips/advice;

1. Be aware of not only other people's body language, but your own. Suffering from Dysphraxia your natural abilities of awareness will not be as good as other peoples and so you will have to make a more conscious effort to develop your social skills. Treat even passing meetings as learning experiences for your social skills, always be aware.

2. Put yourself out there. If you want things to happen in your life, then you have to make them happen. Strike while the iron is hot! When you meet some randomer and hit it off with them, ask them for their phone number and then invite them out a few days later for some drinks at a local pub/club etc. Life is full of nice passing conversations but nothing will come of these if you don't do anything with these opportunities.

3. Don't waffle on, particularly about yourself. However because people love talking about themselves, an easy way to keep conversation flowing is to ask people questions, but strike a good balance- too many questions and you sound like an interviewer & a bit weird, but too few questions and you'll talk too much about yourself and seem self-absorbed.
4. Talk about things relevant to what the other person is saying, and when speaking in groups, make sure not to neglect people/end up talking to any particular individual too much. When leaving, do you want people to remember you as fun person & an icebreaker, or someone who just staying in the background talking to some other randomer the whole time?
5. Try to learn about other people's interests, even if you don't find them that interesting, because this is a good way to learn more about other people but also a good way to learn about things that may prove useful in the future and help prevent you from becoming an outsider etc. The more diverse your interests & knowledge is, the more adaptable & versatile you will become in any social setting.

6. Shyness: You have one shot at life, sometimes you just need to put yourself out there. Whats the worst that's gonna happen? The only one really holding you back & punishing you is yourself. If you constantly act shy & untalkative, all that will do is create the impression that you're either a very boring person or a very guarded person.
It's better to have a laugh & be able to laugh at yourself, than to try to tread so carefully to avoid social embarrassment that all you do is come off in a negative light regardless. Instead of having the conversation in your head while other people around you talk, open that mouth up and speak those words!

7. Act confident even if you don't feel it. Confidence can be a chicken & an egg situation, and sometimes you have to act confident before the feeling of confidence can follow. If you motivate yourself properly, you will stop letting your shyness rule your life and start grasping for that confidence you so badly want. Rebel from your own constraints, let go of your inhibitions more!
minniemoo
Power poster
Posts: 105
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:02 am

Re: Poor social life

Post by minniemoo »

Don't mean to be rude and all that is excellent advice. But really, if it was that easy to do all of that, would we have the social problems that we have?

I met a workmate for coffee today and before I went I was really nervous, running through my should/shouldnt do list. I dont even know what it is I do that miffs people. I have a few very close friends who accept me for who and what I am and that I can really be myself with. But with other people, I analyze and try to control every single interaction I have for fear of alienating them or giving them the wrong impression about me. I'm not a paranoid person, I just know that making small talk is my idea of hell and I suck at it!!!!!!!
Anna-Rose
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2012 11:53 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by Anna-Rose »

Im like that i hate small talk an i get stressed when im meeting up with other people even family. I think its because ive not fully excepted who i am so im worried how to be and practice different cinarious instead of just being me.... For a long time now ive avoided having social outings due to this but now im getting older and its coming up to new year i wanna make new friends but im so worried.i want to be liked to much i think an i hate rejection. Any ideas??
Jim
Super poster
Posts: 710
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:01 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by Jim »

I have a notoriously poor social life to the extent I'd almost say that I don't actually have one.

The baulk of society stresses me out in which I mean that being around other people (even people that I know) puts me under high levels of stress.

Part of that is that I severly struggle to multi-concentrate on interaction. For example in a room with several people the chances are that there are several people talking at once. To me it ends up as a load of unintelligible noise which makes it a challenge to even focus in on one conversation, let alone actually engage in one. This is a difficultly which already makes most social things difficult, pubs, clubs, restaurants, shopping. They all put huge levels of stress on me.

So I tend to avoid social gatherings, including work colleague gatherings even family parties.

As a result I have very few friends, most of them tend to be cyber friends, I.e someome I met on the Internet via a common interest. This usually means that my friends are not local. I have two people I consider as good friends, one is Maltese and the other now resids in America. So we don't see each other often and most of our interaction is via twitter and Facebook.

The biggest thing I do all year is probably a group trip to Le Mans, with people I first met by the Internet. It can often be stressful, especially the organisation but as long as there is a core group of people I know, I'll cope.

This post probably makes me sound really socially inept. Yet I do have some social skills. I can small talk, I can joke, I can see the funny side of myself, I can strike up conversation. Although I can't sing or dance to save my life and I have a chronic lack of confidence when it comes to asking out someome of the opposite sex. Which probably explains why I'm notoriously single.
“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore” :whistle:
janetp
Getting settled in
Posts: 18
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 10:57 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by janetp »

Hi, you know at my age now I am just coming to the realization that I am alright, after a life time of people pointing out my faults and the things that they have trouble with about me, I have decided that there will always be someone or something that annoys someone eles, surprise other people annoy me but I dont feel the need to tell them and I dont feel the need to correct them ( grammer, spelling eticate police). remember that you are someone worth knowing and hey who isnt a mess doing the best they can, I dont know anyone who isn't even if they think otherwise.
Jim
Super poster
Posts: 710
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:01 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by Jim »

I know for sure that I'm alright, it's everyone else I worry about :-$

The state of my social life is mostly my own fault and that is simply because I do not go out. I'm perfectly capable of getting on with people and I'm sure there's someone out there for me (hiding beneath a rock probably).

But the noise factor involved in general socialising is the big factor for me, stress and the edgy shy passiveness that this induces in me puts me off big time. It's a lonely existence and it does get depressing very often.

Yet I learnt a long time ago that there isn't any point in pretending to be something that your'e not. And that I'm better off waiting the lonnnnng wait, looking for that someone is whom is very like me. I haven't found her yet and it doesn't look like I will anytime soon. But I can but hope.
“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore” :whistle:
24andannoyed
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:41 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by 24andannoyed »

"Part of that is that I severly struggle to multi-concentrate on interaction. For example in a room with several people the chances are that there are several people talking at once. To me it ends up as a load of unintelligible noise which makes it a challenge to even focus in on one conversation, let alone actually engage in one. This is a difficultly which already makes most social things difficult, pubs, clubs, restaurants, shopping. They all put huge levels of stress on me."

Yes. Yes. YES!!
Creative
Super poster
Posts: 542
Joined: Wed Mar 01, 2006 11:46 am
Location: Norfolk

Re: Poor social life

Post by Creative »

Yes this is me too. I find the noise of different conversations a very painful sound! And so exhausting! I prefer things 1-1 if possible and don't go to pubs, clubs etc.
FAndrews
Power poster
Posts: 207
Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2013 6:20 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by FAndrews »

I also have exactly the same problems, terrible with groups i feel i just blend in the background, which also might be due to poor confidence and self-esteem, can't even go out at night to the clubs, because i think i'll get there and go what next? just stand in the corner . my social life is very weak (other than gaming club on weekends)




P.S thanks to everyone on this forum, it is so nice to have a rant with people who actually understand what i go through :) so in some way it does help. just had to say this :)
sarahlouise25
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Aug 01, 2013 5:55 pm

Re: Poor social life

Post by sarahlouise25 »

I have always struggled to make friends...I'm not completely shy...if that makes sense. In a work environment...I can pretty much talk to anyone...whether it Is customers or work collegues..(mostly customers tho) but when I go on my break in the work canteen...in my head I really want to go and just sit with people, to try and form a friendship etc but also in the back of my mind I am thinking...if I sit with them whos to say they wont be thinking why the hell she sitting with us...and I know I would feel awkward...so I avoid all that by just sitting on my own...not because I don't want to mix with other people etc...its just because I am nervous or insecure about it...this is in general too... I mean I wouldn't dream of going out and trying something different on my own because of this... but I really want to. don't know if this makes sense lol
Post Reply