Dyspraxia and sexuality

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Nick1971
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Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Nick1971 » Sat Jul 28, 2012 11:15 am

I am 40 year old man who has mild dyspraxia. It affects me socially in many ways but I am still able to hold down a fairly well paid administrative job in an accountancy company - mainly without any significant problems.

However, what I'm interested is the choice of sexuality and dyspraxia. Most official forums and experts deny that there is any link that people with dyspraxia are more likely to be gay, but I think in my case it is definitely true.

I'm a fairly good looking guy and keep myself in shape physically and so on the looks front I shouldn't have a problem with the girls. I could perhaps do with being slightly more muscular, but I do work out in the gym and am fairly happy with what I've achieved there. However, through my 20s I was rejected by girls, and also because I wasn't a member of a big social group, found it difficult to get a girl friend. I did have girl friends but there were always emotional problems and issues.

When I was 29 I finally decided I had had enough of playing straight and as gay guys were attracted to me I thought it would be far easier being gay. For example, even at 40 years of age, I still get a lot of attention whenever I go into a gay bar. I must be bi-sexual rather than 100% gay. I'm definitely very much attracted to men but I miss the stability and emotional link that I think I could have with a woman.

I find the gay world far easier. I am good looking and my social skills are OK enough to get me dates in the gay world. It's that in the straight world my confidence is fairly dented, down to the horrible symptons of dyspraxia. In my case I'm not good at ball sports, anything technical involving DIY and find talking in big groups very difficult.

What do people think?

Nick

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by joy » Sat Jul 28, 2012 4:08 pm

I dont think that Dyspraxia has anything to do with being gay,neither myself or my son are gay I supose its like in all walks of life that some people have a gender preference ,nothing to do with Dyspraxia I would have thought .

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by maria » Sat Jul 28, 2012 4:23 pm

I don't think dyspraxia has anything to do with being gay either. I come from a family of eleven (Mum married twice). My late Mum was dyspraxic. One of my sisters and I inherited her mild dyspraxic tendencies, as did my late brother. None of us are/were gay. I do,however, have a half-sister who is. She is NOT dyspraxic!

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Jim » Sun Jul 29, 2012 8:19 am

I suspect that I may come across as slightly "effeminate" as I have in the past been accused of holding myself in an "unmanly" way. But I don't buy that. I'm deffinitly more attracted to women. But I am very shy around people I do not know and/or in large groups where my speech difficulties allied with concentration woes discourage me from chipping in with my "two pennies worth" because I find it incredibly difficult to get any word in edgeways.

It's not that I lack social skills... But I am very un social which probably explains my lack of real friends and any female friends of my own, especially "eligible" female friends.
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Nick1971
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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Nick1971 » Sun Jul 29, 2012 9:24 am

What was I trying to say in my original post is because I am on the borderline between gay and straight I believe that I chose the "easy" option in being gay as dyspraxia has an impact on my social skills and confidence. These two skills are much more vital in securing a girl friend. Whilst girls do value looks and someone who looks after their body, many but not all, are also looking for someone to protect and provide materially for them (at the sub-conscious level at the very least). Being dyspraxic puts you at a significant disadvantage here. Also, when I say being "gay" is easy, I mean in the sense of finding partners.

Also I see sexuality as a continuum scale where there is 100% straight at one end 100% gay at the other. I fit in somewhere in the middle I figure.

My ex boy friend of 8 years certainly thinks my dyspraxia was something that has pushed me towards being gay.

I'm what they call in the gay world a straight acting man and being perceived as masculine is very important part of who I am. However, I feel that dyspraxia robs me of some elements of masculinity such as confidence that comes from doing social and practical things well - e.g. playing sports well, telling jokes and practical DIY and technical skills.I hate my dyspraxia and being perceived as weak and this does come through to some people.

Also because of confidence issues I can sometimes get terrible head pressure-tension headaches, which when they strike can make me withdrawn and less agile in mind, both socially and sometimes at work.

It's not all bad as I can make people laugh and people do see me as quirky and different, and in some ways someone who is slightly rebellious but also fun loving. I am also caring and passionate about people, animals and world concepts and issues. I am also ironically very confident in the gay world as I feel relaxed and I know people like and fancy me in that environment.

I was diagnosed with dyspraxia around 12 years ago and in some ways the diagnosis did have a major impact on my life and since then I have been down more the gay route.

However, I think I am missing out by not having a girl friend and children. If I wasn't so longing to be perceived as the masculine and confident man and went for a girl friend who cared less such about things I think I might have an easier time. However, I am who I am.

Nick

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by AlleyCat » Mon Jul 30, 2012 3:47 pm

I've definitely read somewhere that the percentage of people with 'neuro-diverse' conditions such as dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD is higher amongst the gay community than amongst the general population. I also think that perhaps people who are 'different' because of conditions such as dyspraxia are more likely to be accepted for who they are amongst the gay community- this might be because a lot of people who are gay know what it's like to fight to be accepted. I have a friend who's gay and regards himself as dyslexic (although he's never been formally diagnosed)- his partner also shows strong symptoms of having dyslexia. My friend has a very strong relationship with his partner, which I'm sure would provide a stable foundation in which to bring up children if they one day choose to have any. Only you know what sort of relationship you'd be happiest in, but don't rule out the possiblity of having children if you do decide that you would prefer to be in a relationship with a man rather than a woman.

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Tim G » Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:48 pm

Well this is a verry intresting topic - I am going to come out hear and say that I am Bi but I don't think this is realted to dyspraxicia. - From my experance I don't think there is a relation between dyspraxicia and sexulatie but people who are gay and dyspraxic may find it easer as your connecting to somone your own gender which can be easer and also there is a shared knodleadge of what its like to be accepted and to be outcasted.

From what your saying Nic its clear that your BI as you do find men attrictive but also part of it is that your chosing to be around gay men as this is what sutes you beceuse of your past relationships / experances.

I do think that men who are dyspraxic can come across as more effamate and vias versa for women - this may be beceuse of the relation of dysporaxicia to fashion sense, not really knowing how to act, dyspraxicia naturlie makes us more child like etc. For women what i have seen is that dyspraxic women can more masculin this is genraly due to clothing and makeup and dyspraxicia and how thies can be diffcult arearas for thoes with dyspraxicia.

I also want to say that i see sexulitie on a scale but of which there is not a compleate gay or compleate straght level - given the right situation and person anyone can be attricted to anyone wheather they consider them selves gay or straght.
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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Nick1971 » Sat Aug 04, 2012 11:25 am

Thank you Tim and "Alley Cat" for your last two postings. Your comments have been very helpful and interesting. You're right about dyspraxia making you appear more child like because that is something that people have noticed in me sometimes. They can also take over on practical tasks, such as cooking, because I might take too long to do it right first time. I can then become frustrated an sometimes angry.

Nick

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Tim G » Sat Aug 04, 2012 12:44 pm

Dyspraxicia by its defanation is a imaturitie of the brain as dyspraxicia is due to too many conections in the brain that should have decreased during devlopment.
Therefor dyspraxics will naturlie be imature

In regards to this topic imaturitie and sexulitie have no real relation - the two are compleatly seprate.
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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by AlleyCat » Sat Aug 04, 2012 4:27 pm

They can also take over on practical tasks, such as cooking, because I might take too long to do it right first time.
Nick- you could be describing how my mother and dad's mother behaved towards me growing up. Both of them were very impatient and intolerant of me when I took too long to do practical tasks, or if I didn't realise how to do them in the first place. I should point out that I wasn't diagnosed with dyspraxia until adulthood, but that doesn't excuse the way they behaved towards me. Particularly humiliating for me was when my younger sister (who is less than 2 years younger than me) was invited to do them instead, which led to her being smug when she got praise for doing something her older sister wasn't allowed to. My mother seemed to have decided that I was incapable in the kitchen, so I was then put off having a go at all- as someone with dyspraxia, not even having a go was the worst thing for me, as it removed from me the opportunity to develop any sort of skills in the kitchen. Due to my own mother appearing to regard me as incompetent, I was then put off doing practical things at school, such as science experiments. This caused problems with other pupils, as they would be the ones setting up the experiments, whilst my academic ability meant I was able to write up the experiments and get high marks. When I went on work experience in Year 11, I was embarrassed that I didn't even know how to make a cup of tea, as I had not been encouraged to do so at home. I realise I have wandered away from the original topic of this discussion, but I feel strongly that other people sweeping in and 'taking over' is the worst thing they can do to someone with dyspraxia.

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Nick1971 » Sat Aug 04, 2012 7:15 pm

.......yes, people taking over because of my dyspraxia. Well my old boss (he has now left my company) did that and at one point wanted to check nearly every single thing I did. He soon realised , however, if he just let me get on with it I could produce more than a satisfactory standard of work. I can remember speaking my mind on this on a number of occasions, sometimes in public so that everybody else in the office could hear. We also have to film our staff meetings so people who can't make them can view them later, and I can remember my boss fussing over the use of the video equipment and putting me down when I was slow learning how to use it.

Going back to dyspraxia and sexuality, I sometimes think I'm gay (or at least bi) because I am not the alpha male man. I admire and want to be with men who are. Being with such a man maybe on the sub-conscious level be the next best thing to being one.

I'm not effeminate at all, from far from it, but because I can't play sport well and am not super confident I am not the person I want to be. Dyspraxia sucks because of this.

Also on a practical level if I chose to have relationships with girls I wouldn't have the first clue on how to get a girl friend. Also most of my male friends are gay, and having a gay history I don't think many women be happy to go out with someone who has a gay history. After all most people seem to find their partners through friends of friends, something that would be difficult for me.

Nick

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by chocolatelover26 » Fri Aug 31, 2012 2:34 am

There is probably a link somewhere as there are with most things, yet we're to find out WHAT that link is. TBH it is rare to find a complete 100% straight or 100% gay person out there because nearly everybody is on the scale of bisexuality, just in different places and this is regardless of dyspraxic or not.

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Captain_Ludd » Tue Oct 09, 2012 10:18 am

Hmm intresting,


Id read that there is tendency for dysparaxics / autistic spectrum people to have strong likes/dislikes of one particular sex, and to have trouble communicating with the other sex.
I know this is true of me I’m straight but I have real trouble understanding and communicating with women(actually I can talk to them fine until they tell me they like me or I realise I like them at which point my brain dies and I have to go into full tactical retreat ](*,) ), so I can see how if you did have bi tendency and you are more at ease with men you may decide to become predominately gay.
I also do agree that I have found that Gay/Bi people tend to be more accepting of my eccentricities,just easier to talk to and in many cases more interesting and on my wave length. (which would also explain why the only women I’ve ever actively tried to "pull" was a lesbian :blush: I’m so bad with body language #-o )
As with probably most the people here I was never the really in the "in crowd", one of the reasons for this is that I could never understand the "I am super blokey bloke" mentality, It seems to require.
A lot of straight men in particular seem to need to be almost aggressively push a heterosexual persona and I never felt the need for this (in fact I’ve never really understood why sexuality has any bearing on normal social interaction in any sense but it does seem to) which is possibly why some people are sometimes left guessing at my sexuality.
Any hoo thats my two cents here ends my ramble. :) .

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Science girl 89 » Fri Oct 12, 2012 11:57 pm

Interesting topic. I am unsure whether dyspraxia causes somebody to be gay/bi , however I feel those with dyspraxia are open to being more diverse in the sexual department (open to new ideas/ being experimental) this may be due to being able to think outside the box (a phase which a lot of people have used on me) or it may be due to our minds working very diffently to those who are not dyspraxic I don't know. I've read many posts on here and there seems to be a pattern surrounding dyspraxia and sexuality. Saying that though it can be difficult finding a partner who understands a mind do dyspraxia

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Re: Dyspraxia and sexuality

Post by Captain_Ludd » Mon Oct 15, 2012 9:23 am

Science girl 89 wrote:Ithis may be due to being able to think outside the box (a phase which a lot of people have used on me)
Yeah I get that one a lot, in fact the first time it was used on me I quite innocently replied "I didn’t even know there was a box" proving that dyspraxics not only think outside the box but also take things to literally :).
Sorry that was a total aside and ill be quite now :) .

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