Question for those with partners of people with dyspraxia

[Cheetarah]

There's been talk on this site about the challenges of having a dyspraxic partner. Everyone sees dyspraxia differently. Some see it as a gift, others as a curse. Personally I see it as an impairment, a condition that requires treatment, strategies and adjustments in everyday life in order for me to function. I never want my boyfriend to become my carer, we're at the early stages but should we become more committed in time we need to grow into best friends and equals. I want to truly know how to fulfill his needs. Obviously no-one can tell me what those needs are but him, but I wanted to know, if you have experience, what you think of the following:

It is perfectly possible for me to:

Be a punctual person, reliably at the right place at the right time

Manage money, budgetting weekly and not overspending

Remembering what has to be done in a day using diaries, calenders etc and plan lists of activities

Accomplish said activities

Manage housework, so that the house is tidy and clean

Pick up mugs, books etc after myself and leave the area tidy plus turn lights of etc

Plan and excecute days out, trips away and major activities of that sort

Cook, yes without burning anything

Work, I am self employed and earn a modest wage that is growing. I regard it as the safest way for me to earn an income as I can work at my own pace

Listen and not interrupt

Remember birthdays and other events

Be affectionate, this is easy for me as I'm not particularly tactile defensive

Keep my temper

It may never be so easy for me to

Learn new skills, for instance a new DIY skill or how to drive

Drive

Cross a road without a pedestrian crossing

Use both hands at the same time, thus to perform some activities in a coordinated way

To be aware how close I am to people or objects without being told

Understand novel practical tasks and situatings without having them explained and time to process them

Not spill food and drink without taking major precautions and sometimes not even then

Not crash into or break things


Would you feel happy living with someone with my limitations in your life? What would be most difficult for you and what would make the greatest improvement?

Looking forward to your imput

L

[agsiul]

Looks pretty good. I'm with you. It's an impairment for me that has to be managed too. I use loads of tactics....I'd need some help with tactile defensiveness though...any suggestions?

Driving could be a problem if you live in the country...you don't want to end up stuck in the middle of no where and not be able to get to a shop but once you can be independent by using busses, etc. I don't see it being a problem....Are you with someone at the moment? I have a load of food I can't eat until I know people really well because like you I spill it. I'm a lot better than I used to be and seem to be sticking to spilling drinks in this last while.

[Cheetarah]

[quote="agsiul"]Looks pretty good. I'm with you. It's an impairment for me that has to be managed too. I use loads of tactics....I'd need some help with tactile defensiveness though...any suggestions?

Driving could be a problem if you live in the country...you don't want to end up stuck in the middle of no where and not be able to get to a shop but once you can be independent by using busses, etc. I don't see it being a problem....Are you with someone at the moment? I have a load of food I can't eat until I know people really well because like you I spill it. I'm a lot better than I used to be and seem to be sticking to spilling drinks in this last while.[/quote}

I don't know how tactile defensiveness affects you so can't say what would definitely help, but your partner or friends need to know if you don't like being taken by surprise with a hug or other touch. You may need a cue first such as open arms and a smile or a few words, so you can prepare yourself. Some people find firm touch far preferable to light touch, that needs to be communicated. I've even heard of a man who likes to be massaged with a rolling pin! The most important thing is for the object of your affections to know that he or she is wanted and that you feel tenderness towards him or her. That might mean finding a kind of touch you can cope with and listening to what the other person prefers physically as it could well be quite different to you.

I live in an area with good public transport but my boyfriend lives in the country. He doesn't have a car either and their are buses but he'd rather live in a more urban area so probably won't be in the same village forever. Personally I'd rather not drive for ethical reasons, having an accident and hitting a child is just too possible so I'd rather not chance it.

One answer to spillage issues could be to get one of those commuter/camping mugs with a lid on it. They have a small opening to drink out of that can be closed afterwards to make them even safer.

[Dandelion]

Hi there, I actually registered here specifically to respond to this post! I'm pretty neurotypical (NT), but mildly klutzy in my own way. My beloved, wonderful girlfried of four years has been dignosed as being Dyspraxic, and also has a smidgeon of Asperger's syndrome too.

OK, so to answer your questions:

"Would you feel happy living with someone with my limitations in your life?"

Yep, I have been for four years! From the list fo stuff you say you can do, you're doing just fine (if you can remember birthdays and anniversaries, you're a better person than I, Gunga Din!). And let's face it: if you tidy up after yourself that's a huge bonus in any relationship, Dyspraxia or no.

What I've found is actually most frustrating is not so much the odd spillage here and there, or forgetting to put the washing machine on in the morning or whatever. In isolation, forgetting something or getting lost or dropping a mug or something is really no problem. So-called 'normal' people do that kind of thing all the time. Everybody will, once in a while, lose their keys, wallet, phone, lock themselves out of the house, spill coffee on a sofa, get noodles down their shirt and stub their toe on a chairleg. Both of you will need to be conscious though that after the hundredth time it can get rather wearing for everyone involved, and that's what's bugged me a bit in the past.

I think my biggest frustration is the difficulty she has had in learning 'workarounds' to compensate. Everybody has odd little deficiencies and peccadilloes, and one of the things we must learn is to find workarounds that help us compensate for them, adapt and function in the world. I have a head like a sieve at the best of times, so my desk at work is a panoply of post-it notes. I'm nearly 40 and don't drive, and life's fine despite the frequent on-foot trips to Sainsbury's. I have an allergy to cats, and so I take Benadryl if I go round to visit the local cat-lady. I don't like getting cold, so I put on a jumper if it gets chilly. Those are some of my 'workarounds' that help me compensate for my own shortcomings, and most folk have developed their own over the course of their lives.

Hey, I know one NT couple that has a 'meal schedule' stuck on their fridge that helps them plan their cooking and shopping, a guy at work that sends himself emails to remind himself to do things (he uses his inbox as a 'to do' list)... Before leaving my flat I check 'Keys, Wallet, Phone', always in that order. Everyone has little things they do to help them get through life.

At home, to make life easier and generally take the pressure off, we've made a few decisions. After a mug breakage incident a couple of years ago, I suggested that in future we only buy cheap-but-nice mugs for a maximum cost of a couple of quid (if you're in the UK, have a look in your local branch of QD). This way we (a) save some money and (b) if it breaks, no sweat, it's had a good innings, we can get another one. Oddly, since then we've not broken a single one between us.

Another thing which was rather useful was getting cheap (washable) jacquard throws for the sofa (if you're in the UK, they came from Argos), which can be washed. Again, a simple, elegant and effective solution that actually adds something to our lives. I like throws and cushions on sofas, and again it takes some of the pressure off. There's no panic if a bit of porridge lands on it.

We still have frustrations and arguments though. Her general awareness of what's going on is sometimes a bit suspect, and it's like she's in her own little dreamworld most of the time!

For example, cooking is a great one. She makes some wonderful things, including an awesome brocolli bake and a potent Tom Ka soup, but general kitchen skills are a bit tricky. After four years of imploring her to clear a workspace *before* doing anything, she still ends up trying to cook in a cluttered mess of a kitchen, and then wonders where on earth the plates are. Or heating the oil in a wok to the right temperature, and then realising that the vegetables need to be taken out of the fridge and chopped, which lead to all sorts of smokey situations back in the day. Or having to fry an egg in a saucepan because she's forgotten to wash up the frying pan. To me it's a simple thing: ensure the kitchen's tidy and everything's clear, then start prepping/chopping ingredients, then do the cooking, then serve. To her it's a confusing mish-mash of weirdness, and she won't have me in the kitchen if she's cooking any more because my presence just makes things worse.

Other areas of frustration have included her 'losing' things. So far she's managed to 'lose' an mp3 player, a digital camera and a laptop as well as a number of personal effects. She also often complains that she has no pants, socks or tops to wear, yet if I go through the laundry basket I can often find a couple of weeks' worth buried in there.

Housework is a bit peculiar, because she'll remember to do some things and do them very well, but others (usually hoovering) get forgotten about or never get noticed. In fact, she doesn't seem to notice mess at all, and will cheerfully leave carrier-bags of 'stuff' lying around in the living room and neglect to put empty packets in the bin. I yearn for the day she nags me to pick up and bin a crisp packet, or take the rubbish out.

As I suggested earlier, it's not the burning of the pizza, the knocking over the hatstand or the breakage of the mug per se that's likely to cause problems. What will frustrate you and your partner is when it happens for the 'n'th time, and that's where 'workarounds' come in. So if you find yourself with burned food, use a kitchen timer. If you find yourself knocking mugs of drinks off off the chair arm, don't put them there, put them on the coffee table. Knocking them off the coffee table with your feet? Get into the habit of looking before moving your feet somewhere, just in case there's a mug in the way.

Do remember that it's OK to stop and think about what you're doing. Give yourself a little break for thinking time. There's (usually) no rush, so taking a second to assess your surroundings before (say) stretching your legs out will help ensure you don't skittle a mug of cocoa over your laptop.

I'm no expert on dyspraxia, I've just read a few books about it tbh, but I'm conscious that the 'learning' new habits takes a lot more time. So I understand that whereas me just saying 'use a kitchen timer' is easy, I do appreciate that remembering to go out and buy one, and then remembering to use it, can be a bit more involved.

You'll also need to find things that work for both of you. Whether you're dyspraxic or not, don't expect your partner to have the patience of a saint, because the chances are they'll get annoyed the 56th time you drop the Blu-ray remote control in the soup or knock a bottle of Rioja over with your coat sleeve in a wine bar.

Your partner may get cross, impatient, sigh loudly and generally not exhibit the behaviours one would expect from someone who's an expert in assisting those with Dyspraxia. That may hurt your feelings if you let it. I often have to remind my g/f that I'm a web developer, not an occupational therapist, counsellor or life coach. I get annoyed if the server at work crashes when I'm working on something, when the Government announces (more) cuts, when the bus runs late, if I get wet in the rain etc. because I'm a human being. Of course I'm going to get miffed if someone leaves the oven on and the oven door open all evening.

In any case, however you handle things, I've yet to find any dyspraxia-related issue that are 'dumping offences'. I love her loads, she's funny clever and beautiful. She may forget where her filofax is or what her Steam password is, but she's never forgotten that we're going out with each other or accidentally snogged/slept with anyone else.

TLDR (too long, didn't read) summary:

Cheetarah, you sound like you've got your act together really well.
Finding workarounds for our limitations is normal practice, you may have to find a few more than the average person, but hey!
Sounds like you're doing a bit better than my g/f in the housework/income stakes, and I love her to bits and have been with her for four years.
Your partner may get a bit frustrated at times, but just remember they're human.
Good luck!