Lack of friends

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

Moderator: Moderator Team

agsiul
Power poster
Posts: 489
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 12:39 am

Re: Lack of friends

Postby agsiul » Thu Aug 04, 2011 11:32 pm

Catwoman42 wrote:I have now discovered, a bit later in life than I would have liked, that however lonely you are it is important not too appear vulnerable or needy. My ex boyfriend was messing me about when we went out, he got back in touch recently, but because I am not showing much interest he is keen to meet. There were some people on the course who were very needy and it showed. I learned from this that if you appear to be self sufficient, friendly and independent it will attract people to you.


All of this is very correct. I used to be very quite and would never give my opionion and was quite needy but not that I'm the complete oposite I can see how annoying it is to have to deal with someone is clingy. I agree being self-sufficient, friendly and independent works and as for the boyfriend....well sure fellas like nothing better than a chase!

WTCCFan
Regular Poster
Posts: 96
Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:04 pm
Location: S. Sheilds

Re: Lack of friends

Postby WTCCFan » Fri Aug 05, 2011 8:34 am

agsiul wrote:All of this is very correct. I used to be very quite and would never give my opionion and was quite needy but not that I'm the complete oposite I can see how annoying it is to have to deal with someone is clingy. I agree being self-sufficient, friendly and independent works and as for the boyfriend....well sure fellas like nothing better than a chase!


I wouldn't say I am needy and clingy. You have to expect something of people I am rapidly losing hope for any sign of.

But the bold text is me to a tee. I am very quiet and am not a forceful person in as much as I can give an opinion when I want to give it. I have to wait for an opening, a chance to speak, that may never come. Mother has said once or twice a long time ago that when we used to visit my Nana (her mother) when I would finally give my opinion on something it would always be long after the subject has been done with. That is because I don't like talking over people and wait for them to finish speaking before I do.

Maybe if I was a bit more forceful in other ways I wouldn't be single all my life.

agsiul
Power poster
Posts: 489
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 12:39 am

Re: Lack of friends

Postby agsiul » Fri Aug 05, 2011 11:31 am

I don' know if this is any help, but years ago when I was in school I was told that people hated it when I didn't say anything. I'd be worried about saying the wrong thing and I'd say nothing but they hated it because I was just there like a ghost in the background and they found it disconcerting because they thought that I was just there taking in all their information but not contriuting anything and I'd say they thought I was gossiping about them to someone else because I wasn't giving anything of myself. Having seen it in action later with someone else I can understand.

ChristyK
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2012 1:58 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby ChristyK » Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:58 am

Hi all,

What a nice thread! The only advice that I can give (and need to take myself) is to put yourself into situations where you will be able to share your passions/interests with others with the same ones as you. Do you love animals? See if you can volunteer once a month to help out. Love reading? Join a local book club. Enjoy computers? See if there's a local club. Very into your faith? Get involved at your church or temple. Hiking or walking? Join a local walking or hiking group. When you place yourself in those situations, you're bound to sooner or later bond with someone who shares your interests and makes for interesting (not fake or boring) conversations.

Blessings,
Christy

shakey
Getting settled in
Posts: 44
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 5:39 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby shakey » Thu Apr 19, 2012 12:47 pm

I have read in several of the books about dyspraxia that difficulty making friends is a dyspraxic trait.

I think for me, I do find it really difficult to go up to someone new and talk to them even if I really would like to become friends, but I'm fortunate in having 2 boys at primary school because I meet new people all the time on the playground (once you become friends with one person they tend to introduce you to others.)

I also think I can have difficulty regulating my volume and tone of voice so I can come across as a bit loud and sometimes a bit abrupt when I really don't mean to be! I can also struggle to follow a conversation in a group.

Having said that, I know my friends have been really important to me, some friends from church particularly have really helped me through some very difficult times in recent years. I do tend to have a small number of really good friends.

It might be a good idea to join a local group, like a walking group or something particularly if you have a hobby. It's an easy way to make friends - it may be a bit daunting at first, & I hate the bit where everyone turns and looks at you when you walk in the door, but then I just tell myself it may be a bit daunting for some of them and they are probably just interested in the new face!

shakey
Getting settled in
Posts: 44
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 5:39 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby shakey » Thu Apr 19, 2012 12:50 pm

Sorry, didn't see page 2 before I posted - Christy K you had some good pointers there already!

bookish
Getting settled in
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2012 9:06 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby bookish » Tue May 01, 2012 12:13 am

I definitely have the same the same problem; it’s quite common for people with dyspraxia to have social problems.
As for why I think it’s a combination of things and it’s probably different for everyone. I’m certain that my problems don’t stem through any autistic or aspergic traits and I don’t have problems with taking things literally though many people with dyspraxia do.

For me I think it stems through problems with low self-esteem, I don’t speak clearly, my mind wanders in the middle of conversations and I tend to forget the thread of conversation and go off topic.

I get on with people well in classes or at work but then never seem to be able to make the leap and do anything socially with them outside of this. I’ve also realised recently that I often find social situations boring even if it’s with close friends. It’s very frustrating because I do get quite lonely and I’ve never had a ‘proper’ boyfriend, the older I get the more scared I am that I never will.

AlleyCat
Power poster
Posts: 293
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 7:07 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby AlleyCat » Tue May 01, 2012 7:00 pm

I think you're right that, for people with dyspraxia, social problems are actually much more likely to stem from having low self esteem than anything else. A large number of people with dyspraxia have been bullied at school (particularly at secondary school, where the bullying can become very nasty and personal in nature), which can have a devastating impact on self esteem. The self worth of a child with dyspraxia can also plummet due to insensitive remarks from parents (and other relatives) and teachers, who fail to understand that the child is not 'lazy,' 'stupid,' dozy' or 'not trying hard enough.' I can definitely relate to issues with speech having an impact on willingness to socialise- if you (as I had at school and even at University) had people calling you names or mocking you because of the way you speak, then it should come as no surprise if you then developed a reluctance to initiate conversation with others.

I was reading an article about dyspraxia on the Telegraph website recently, which said that children with dyspraxia can often grow up to be 'diffident' in character, due to feeling that they can't trust their bodies to carry out practical tasks. According to the article, others can then mistake this diffidence for indifference or a lack of consideration for others. Above all, people growing up with dyspraxia need patience, understanding and encouragement from the adults around them, which should then boost their willingness to interact with others.

shadowgirl021
Regular Poster
Posts: 95
Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:58 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby shadowgirl021 » Sat May 26, 2012 1:21 pm

I was thinking of this thread and in particular CatWomans post, when I finally in the first time in 2 years managed to turn someone in my own age range, from an acquaintance into a potential friend, I don't think we are at friend stage yet, though how do you generally know?, for me it is when you see each other socially out of the place where you have been, but I doubt that will ever happen.

So anyway I agree that the key to making friends is to act like you do not need anyone and you are only their for a job, volunteering or to learn and you will get attention. Even if you are not able to speak in large groups (like me) there are plenty of opportunities to be with someone on a one to one basis and then grow from there. As for maintaining friends, I have heard if they can not make the time for you then they are not worth it, I would say that is partly true, but there are times where people are just too busy to talk. If you not able to see people as often as you like, you can generally tell the mood via texting or email. E.G. vague answers being I am too busy to talk to you or I do not want to talk to you.

This was only meant to be a reply agreeing with one of the posts, but I think I got a bit carried away :grin:

MsProfessor7
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:20 am

Re: Lack of friends

Postby MsProfessor7 » Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:43 am

I think is a challenge... this is why i register myself here as I want to make friends with others that understand what i am....

MilesMoore
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Jun 26, 2012 6:11 pm
Location: London

Re: Lack of friends

Postby MilesMoore » Tue Jun 26, 2012 6:19 pm

I got like 4 friends :(

blocparty88
Getting settled in
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 11:25 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby blocparty88 » Sun Jul 29, 2012 4:03 pm

Hi everone,

I'm also really bad at making friends, it's always been a major problem for me... People always said that it would get better as I grew older, but it didn't... I just have really low self-confidence and am not good at expressing myself, which destroys my self-confidence even more... When I was younger, I used to have a few good friends, but I've lost them because of things that happened in my life like I was severely bullied in secondary school which resulted in a depression that lasted for years... Now I only have one real friend left :( We became friends at university, but as she lives in another city and I don't have a driver's license, we don't get to see each other that often. I'm seriously considering moving to the city where she lives, because I'm just so fed up with always staying at home and being bored :S Then we can see each other more often, plus it would be easier to meet new people there, because the public transport is much better so it's easier to go to places and to go out at night... And it would also be easier to find a job there, because where I live the public transport is really bad so even if I find a job, chances are I can't accept it because it's too far away...

Jim
Super poster
Posts: 638
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:01 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby Jim » Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:39 pm

I think I can count the amount of friends I have on one hand and have some fingers left to spare. I suppose it depends on what you define as friends. There are probably just two people who I'd call my friends and this is because they do not seem to judge me on my quirks and are also very generous and hospitital in other ways. Unfortunately they're not local to me, living in other countries. But we meet up if we visit each others areas.

There are several others whose company I can enjoy (slightly more local, yet not short trip local), but I'd stop short of calling them friends as I always kind of feel on the fringes and on the verge of being left out.

I find it difficult making local friends because I don't tend to enjoy the usual social things like, shopping, pubs, clubs & cinema and many restaurants I find far too loud and I simply feel on edge because I struggle to separate all the different voices and conversations going on and just hear a massive unintelidble bundle of noise.

minniemoo
Power poster
Posts: 105
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 8:02 am

Re: Lack of friends

Postby minniemoo » Sun Aug 26, 2012 9:33 am

This is a great thread. It is so good to learn that you are not alone and other people have the same issues as you do. I find it difficult to make friends too, and have a few what I would class as good friends. I think I am not good at having acquaintances as I am really bad at small talk, I am also bad at all the social rules that you are supposed to follow when having a conversation - I never know when it is my turn to talk and how to read this 'signs' that are supposed to be there to tell you. I hate going out with work colleagues as I am scared that I will have nothing to say and they will notice that I am 'different'. I am not autistic and am empathetic with people but just don't really know where to start with them or what to do after. After any social interaction I also worry that I have made a mistake somewhere and that they won't talk to me again.
Having said that my very few true friends accept me for who and what I am and I don't have to worry when I am with them. I can be myself. I love them and really value them for that.
I have recently moved though to a different country with my partner and am finding it so hard to make new friends here. I don't seem to know how to do it - I am no good at transient casual friendships. I have never felt so lonely in my life.

Jim
Super poster
Posts: 638
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:01 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby Jim » Sun Aug 26, 2012 10:21 am

There are one or two colleagues at work whom I would be quite tempted to socialise with outside of work.. but it's making that step and having the confidence to say "hey you and I should go out some time". I suppose there's several factors to that.. do I really want to see who they are outside of work, how would I come across to them and am I fearful of rejection?

I'm finding that inside the confines of work my verbal and conversational interaction is becoming increasingly uninhibited and I'm giving as good as I get with banter, flirting and spontaneous fun (within professional confines of course).

But I've always kept home and work really separate and tended to avoid work's social gatherings like the plauge, partly because they tend to be parties, e.g Christmas or leaving dos which can be expected to have several people there, many of whom I won't know and I simply do not feel comfortable at these ocassions.

Yet there are one or two people who I click with and in many ways I'd quite like to do something outside of work, a day out, a weekend away kind of thing. It's the "coming out" and making that suggestion that I can't seem to approach though.


Return to “Relationships”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest