Lack of friends

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

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emmaemma31
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Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2012 6:28 pm

Re: Lack of friends

Postby emmaemma31 » Sun Sep 02, 2012 3:00 pm

=; I can completely understand where u are coming from. Because as a dyspraxic my words and even facial expression seem be all over the place, that can often put people off from forming any conversation. It puts me off sometimes from making friends.

LilBee
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby LilBee » Fri Oct 12, 2012 5:18 pm

Can anyone relate,i often make people mad but i don't understand why? I have lots of empathy! I find it difficult to group situations as i find it hard to know what to say or appropraite conversations, especially in large groups.I'd like help with this problem as i do find it upsetting.

yayitsronnie
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby yayitsronnie » Sun Oct 14, 2012 1:35 pm

Wow I never knew being dyspraxic meant a lack of friends! I'm glad I'm not the only one. It's odd with me though as I make friends very very easily and have had so many "best" friends I've lost count. But the problem I find is they're great for a while but then they come to a complete stop. I don't know why that would be though, as I can't think of any reason why they would stop being friends with me, as I don't change in any way. I guess people just have enough of me after a while or something...I really don't know. I have a friend who is also dyspraxic but he goes long periods without speaking to me and he isn't reliable at all. I wonder if others think of me in the same way. Who knows!

Also LilBee I have the exact same problem! It really upsets me to as I've no idea what I'm doing wrong. My boyfriend says I go out of my way to annoy him but I honestly don't! I try to keep the peace if anything. So I can't help you on that one sorry but I wish I could.

kira
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby kira » Mon Nov 19, 2012 4:11 pm

Evasura wrote:well, 10 close friends doesn't sound that bad...if they are good friends. I can count my good close friends with one hand. Isn't it better quality than quantity?


i can count mine on one finger. i really struggle making or keeping friends. If i'm being honest i would class about 3 people as current friends and only 1 i would class as close the other 3 i barely even talk to. people dont understand why i am the way i am and my brother who is also dyspraxic is the same 1 good friend, 2-3 friends and a handfull of accuatences.

blocparty88
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby blocparty88 » Thu Nov 22, 2012 5:19 pm

I can totally relate to the stories here. I've also had (and still have) trouble making friends. Right now I have one really good friend, who I see regularly, and 2 or 3 acquaintances who I hardly see. But in my case, I think it's not only because of the dyspraxia, but also because of my personality, that is to say I'm really shy and introverted. I'm still surprised that it is so easy for other people to make new friends, to feel comfortable in a social context, because for me that has never been the case :S When I was younger, people always told me it would get better as I grew up, but now I think it's just the way I am... Sometimes it's still hard to come to terms with, but then again I try to keep in mind that there are also people out there who don't have any family or friends, so it could be much worse.

Vicky89
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby Vicky89 » Fri Aug 14, 2015 11:24 pm

Hi everyone i am new to forums and i was just wondering if anyone else has trouble with making friends i habe dyspraxia and finding it difficult. Any help would be great.

Tom fod
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby Tom fod » Sun Aug 16, 2015 9:37 am

Hi Vicky and welcome
This a something many of us struggle with to varying degrees. I guess because we are different we can feel as though we are always on the outside looking in.

Please don`t be afraid that you might transgress some unwritten rules here. We want you to feel you can talk openly about what dyspraxia/being dyspraxic means to you.
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Vicky89
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby Vicky89 » Tue Aug 18, 2015 1:29 am

Thank you for the welcome, well I not really sure how to discribe how or what it means I guess really I tend to struggle with certain every day things I get stressed out when I can't explain things and I guess anxiety a lot of the time and I find it hard to talk to people and explain how I'm feeling I do feel like an outsider some times. Anyone else have any of the same feelings?

Tom fod
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby Tom fod » Tue Aug 18, 2015 11:11 pm

Vicky
Apologies didn't mean to put you on spot like that. You've barely had chance to settle n here I am asking a question I can't easily answer for myself either.

Pretty much everyone here has had to struggle and we all suffer bad days and/or setbacks. Its worth asking about counselling but believe me you're not alone in feeling this way.

I hope you find the site useful n supportive. Please feel free to introduce yourself further when /if you feel comfortable
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Ana
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby Ana » Sat Jan 28, 2017 1:58 am

I loose friends usually because I say the wrong things when I am stressed and don't know how to stop that happening. I pre warn what may happen and under what circumstances but have not yet managed to navigate that. If I say smething hurtful even though i do not mean what they take it to mean they do not seem to care that I struggle, and what I really mean will not be taken into account or even looked for. So perhaps I can now learn to not try so hard in the first place and those who do appreciate my struggle will stand by and be supportive.

I just found out that correcting someone when they said it hadn't happened before when it had isn't the done thing, thats keeping score. I thought it was observation, keeping score to me would be me saying it was ok for me to be mean today because they were mean three weeks ago. This makes me confused because I am biting my tongue with an urge to point out their act of denyal of them repeating a behaviour i dont like and saying it is the first time implies it is ok for them to lie or to gloss over their own flaws. I decided to keep my observation to myself this time but started feeling ok about the end of the friendship because I realised there was an unspoken understanding that we weren't on equal terms and I just did not care for that. I had been going over and over what happened and felt miserable and unworthy, then poof! Instant closure, time to move on.

Ho hum the mystery of the average mind is beyond me. I learned that being overly helpful does not put credit in the bank for times when I get it wrong. I also noticed that taking the entire blame and not pointing out their part made no difference they were very quick to deslove the friendship. It hurt to begin with but then I started thinking how little notice they took of all the stuff I'd told them about my condition over the years, and how they had not been communicating in ways that I could follow for a few days so perhaps it was just something they wanted all along? Weirdly now I feel liberated as it had been hard work being in their shadow. I was defiantly the sidekick and I wanted a more balanced, mutual enjoyment of each others company. So I am in a place of thanking them for all they have done for me and feeling ready to move on.

What I have decided for the future is to be more assertive from the onset, and I am about to visit my doctor and be proactive about learning some social skills. I don't have a full statement but a psychologist recomendating for a full spectrum analysis, hopefully with correct diognosis I can get some support filling the gaps in my upbringing. As for friendships I think I'm going to try and make lots more friends and not stick to hero worshipping one person. I've started feeling that having a learning disability is like coming from a different culture and having a different first language. We just do things differently and I am a bit fed up with the one way street of being expected to do all the compensating and walking on egg shells.

I would love to hear of any people skills courses... that or an average person decoder I could run my conversations and facial expressions through hehehe!

Tom fod
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby Tom fod » Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:51 pm

Hi Ana and welcome

From what you've written you no less well balanced but understandably frustrated by communications difficulties with those you've encountered. I feel inclined to say it is perhaps they who need to perhaps better appreciate that it's a two way street and if you say something that is not meant to be hurtful, but unfortunately comes out as unintentionally hurtful or is taken to be such you can be onto a loser. That fact that you're trying to warn these people that what you say may come out wrong and to give you a chance suggests that they aren't always doing that and are using your own feelings of uncertainty/lack of confidence in yourself to unfairly gain the upper hand.

Having a good memory of what people have said before and spotting their contradictions is something I seem to be able to do well too. The difficulty is that people don't like to be called out on these things as it undermines them and naturally they will become defensive about it. Sadly it's human nature and we all do it to some extent and we have to accept and bite our tongue at least some of the time. Sometimes and with some people it is better to avoid getting into an argument unless you're sure of the ground you're standing on and that they are in the mood to be amenable to the idea that you might have an different/opposing point of view.

I recently saw a T Shirt advertised with a slogan along the lines of 'I could agree you were right but then we'd both be wrong'.

Sorry I can't offer a definitive response but I sense you were having a bit of a rant and I hope it helped.
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

ALADDIN
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby ALADDIN » Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:29 pm

When I am stressed, anxious I say the wrong thing.

I do not like to socialise, because I have not well in life. I have a degree, postgrad, Professional qualification, but no career.

I want to get married, but I do not have a stable job. A future partner, will ask what career I am doing, how much I earn ?

It is harder to get a well paid job, the older a person gets. I am not a recent graduate, although I almost got a Data Analyst job in the NHS.

I am 38 years old. It is hard to find a wife, if I had a successful career.

I do not want to become a father aged 40+, because of the risk of complications such as a miscarriage, or a child with profound autism, profound Asperger Syndrome, schizophrenia, mental health problems etc.

Tom fod
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby Tom fod » Tue Feb 07, 2017 10:12 pm

Sadly these kind of thoughts are often all consuming and society can feel alien and unless you have /have achieved certain milestones you're somehow slacking and the counter-arguments still leave you feeling hollow.

I'm 41 (soon to be 42) I'm still single and don't drive. I could try to cheer myself up with fact I'm not unhappily married and I'm reasonably independent. However it would not be fair to compare you with myself as whilst we both have dyspraxia we're not the same. I guess I could probably afford to support a child but my insecurities with respect my dyspraxia,visual impairment and not driving have conspired against me in my quest to find a female who wants a relationship with me (Heaven help her!). I would not be happy if someone was to dismiss me because I wasn't earning 'what should be expected of me and while I might be quite sad I would come to realise she was certainly not the one if she was not able to accept me for who I am. That said it is never nice to feel judged by others on things you cannot change, whether you'd like to or not.

Forgive me for any ignorance but I want to make the point that whilst the chances of complications are statistically more likely they're not a certainty and do happen to parents who are of optimum age health etc and they dp their best

Its a whole lot of pressure that we don't need by having such expectations heaped upon us by ourselves or those around us. Yet we feel compelled to compare ourselves to others and are prone not to take an objective view.
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

pendragon
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby pendragon » Mon Apr 03, 2017 9:42 pm

I've always found friendships challenging. While other people seem to instantly click and form friendship groups, I hover on the outside, waiting to be asked to join - and generally I'm not. I feel like I'm being completely open and transparent, yet I'm often told, "I don't feel like I know you very well" (from colleagues of several years' standing!)

As time has gone by, I've accepted that I'm not most people's cup of tea. I have my girlfriend, a few close friends and acquaintances. Sometimes I hanker for more, but at my age (31), family and work come first, and it's incredibly difficult to make new friends. Previously I've tried too hard to fit in, which led to me being bullied at work. I never want to be in that situation again, so I've resolved to be satisfied with the few friendships I do have.

poodlelover81
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Re: Lack of friends

Postby poodlelover81 » Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:33 pm

I think it has to do with low self-esteem. Although towards the end of high school I had more friends due to finding my "group"' and also college where people were accepting. It can take a while for us to open up to people, though.


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