dyspraxic boyfriend

[lalala]

Hi, I'm a 28 year old lass who has the most adorable, charming and wonderful lad in the world, who happens to be dyspraxic. Like a lot of you, it seems, we only found out he had dyspraxia when I started googling his "traits" out of sheer frustration. We went along to our GP to get a diagnosis and she has referred him to a psychologist and occupational therapist for testing and support. He's yet to see either. I'm struggling with the pressure I feel to be, well, his "mother" in a lot of ways.

I have my own issues, I have post traumatic stress disorder from neglect and abuse as a child, and I suffer from anxiety and depression on and off. I've worked really, really hard to get my life together (schizophrenic mum, alcoholic dad, years of therapy, meds, etc) and now I have a great job and a happy life and it was only just before I found my beautiful boy nearly two years ago that things really seemed to be going well for me. Nearly two years later I'm finding myself working really, really hard again to support and help my guy through his problems, and I can't help but feel like I've just bitten off so much more than I can chew. It feels like I should be reaping the rewards of my hard work but instead I've just walked into the exact same situation with someone else.

I love my boy with all my heart and want a future with him, but I don't know what to do. Does dyspraxia get better with treatment? There are times when he doesn't shower for a week and doesn't think anything of it, meanwhile I find it hard not to think about the grime and bacteria. He doesn't understand why we aren't always able to be intimate! He has trouble cleaning, cooking, washing (in that he doesn't), walking our dogs (their harnesses nearly always come off when he puts them on, but he hates it when I try and show him how to do it), even though he tries. He always looks scruffy and hates wearing shoes. When I do try to show him things or help him in a situation, I tread as gently as I can but he will without fail get flustered and then get angry. Other days he seems to have zero motivation, even when I tell him how important it is for my mental health to have a clean house and things in order. It's like he does the absolute bare minimum to keep from getting into trouble before going to lie on the couch and watch telly. We moved house two months ago (we used to live with a flatmate before but he moved out because he couldn't stand the mess, among other reasons) and everything is still sitting packed up in the hallway. I've offered to pay for a cleaner if it will make our lives easier, but we couldn't get a cleaner to come in until we've unpacked, which he just won't touch unless I nag and nag and nag. I feel like I'm going around in circles with him. I love him but I'm so frustrated.

I still have the sole responsibility of looking after my mum, who lives two hours away and doesn't have any friends or support except me, and I don't really have any other family to speak of. I have great friends, but we are in the same circle of friends and he hasn't told any of them about his problems, so I can't really turn to them for help either because I don't want to betray his trust.

It feels like I'm eternally bound to looking after other people. Am I selfish for feeling this way? Does anyone have any advice?

[sanabitur_anima]

*hugs*
I can understand how this situation is difficult for you, but it is really, really hard for dyspraxics to do this stuff. I think paying a cleaner is a good idea, but obviously you have to unpack first.

It's pretty humiliating not to be able to perform simple tasks. One of the reasons I find it hard to clean etc is that I feel embarrassed about how long it takes to do things. It's not just that the tasks themselves are hard, it's that I feel really stupid struggling with things and average child could do (this is probably why he overreacts with you showing him how to fix the dogs' leads and why his motiviation is so low.)

That said, he does need to realise how important this is to you. Maybe you should try couples counselling or something, I don't know.

I also think he might get less frustrated and demotivated if he could talk to other dyspraxic people. Maybe suggest he joins this forum?

[lelly1980]

Hi
I can totally relate to you, i think my boyfriend too has dyspraxia however it is not diagnosed. He does wash and wears clean clothes etc but he doesnt do anything round the house and when i ask him to do something i get accused of nagging. Then other days he says if i need something doing to ask him but then he gets frustrated and angry. I try to show him how to do things but he just wont listen and goes into a hole and then does even less. It feels as though sometimes he does nothing on purpose just to make me angry/upset. He also wont go anywhere with me and wont make an effort with any of my friends who he sees as 'my friends'.

[agsiul]

I hate to sound harsh being as I'm dyspraxic myself. Your boyfriend doen'st have a diagnosis so may not be dyspraxic and could just be lazy. On the other hand he could be dyspraxic and could have difficulties.....but at the end of the day you are not his mother. You are going to end up nagging him if he is unwilling to do anything so you are going to end up in a mother child relationship. My mother was forever nagging me and finding fault and no matter what she said my hackles would rise even if she was trying to help and I would get frustrated and angry and then there would be a row. Sometimes I would do things to wind her up when I was younger and she'd go ballistic. He may have a similar relationship with family members and may need to go to speek to someone to get over that because clearly this is not working for either of you. At the end of the day you can't make him do things around the house but him not doing things is taking you for granted. I mean I have to clean my house. I don't have a cleaner...more's the pity cuase I hate cleaning....I think it's more the getting organised to get the damn thing done is the problem. The easiest way I find is to keep it as tidy as possible and then it's easier to do the cleaning. My mother used to nag if any of us left things in the wrong place and say "It's just as easy to put it in the right place" Clearly that's not true or we'd have done it. What she should have said "it will be easier to keep the place clean and reduce the amount of work that we have to do if we can keep the place tidy" but I think she enjoyed nagging. I am teaching adults at the moment who had problems in school with maths. Fair play to them they got up off their rear ends and went back at night to study and are putting great effort into it. At the end of the day it was up to them to put the work in and it took a lot of guts for them to do it but no one else could have done it for them and that's what you need to keep in mind.

[Dandelion]

Hi, I'm a 28 year old lass who has the most adorable, charming and wonderful lad in the world, who happens to be dyspraxic. Like a lot of you, it seems, we only found out he had dyspraxia when I started googling his "traits" out of sheer frustration. We went along to our GP to get a diagnosis and she has referred him to a psychologist and occupational therapist for testing and support. He's yet to see either. I'm struggling with the pressure I feel to be, well, his "mother" in a lot of ways.

Well, you're not his mother! Your his girlfriend. Anyway, regardless of your relationship dynamics, I'd suggest waiting until he's seen the Psychologist and OT before jumping to any conclusions.

I have my own issues, I have post traumatic stress disorder from neglect and abuse as a child, and I suffer from anxiety and depression on and off. I've worked really, really hard to get my life together (schizophrenic mum, alcoholic dad, years of therapy, meds, etc) and now I have a great job and a happy life and it was only just before I found my beautiful boy nearly two years ago that things really seemed to be going well for me. Nearly two years later I'm finding myself working really, really hard again to support and help my guy through his problems, and I can't help but feel like I've just bitten off so much more than I can chew. It feels like I should be reaping the rewards of my hard work but instead I've just walked into the exact same situation with someone else.

Well done you!Sounds like you've really grabbed life by the horns and steered it round to your way of thinking. It takes a lot of guts and kick-@$$ attitude to deal with those kinds of issues and come out of it all shiny. The downside is that we can start to see everything in our lives as a kind of 'renovation project', including our partners.

I love my boy with all my heart and want a future with him, but I don't know what to do.

Was the 'my boy' bit a typo or a Freudian slip? I ask because you had already mentioned about being his mother!

Does dyspraxia get better with treatment? There are times when he doesn't shower for a week and doesn't think anything of it, meanwhile I find it hard not to think about the grime and bacteria. He doesn't understand why we aren't always able to be intimate!

Ugh! I've known a lot of guys like this, oddly enough, and spent many an evening extolling the virtues of male grooming to male neurotypical friends (mostly IT geeks, oddly enough) who simply don't bother washing. If it's any help, the ones who did finally get used to using razors, soap, combs and deodorant did so in an attempt to get laid or find a girlfriend. It's one of the most potent motivating factors for any guy.

He has trouble cleaning, cooking, washing (in that he doesn't), walking our dogs (their harnesses nearly always come off when he puts them on, but he hates it when I try and show him how to do it), even though he tries. He always looks scruffy and hates wearing shoes.

That could be due to sensory issues. My g/f has very sensitive feet. The lack of housework could be due to either being a plain slob, or because of a lack or organisational abilities means he simply forgets/doesn't realise it needs doing.

When I do try to show him things or help him in a situation, I tread as gently as I can but he will without fail get flustered and then get angry.

Common-or-garden folk wisdom has it that men and women respond very differently to offers of help. You know the cliched comedy routies about how guys never ask for directions? And get annoyed and flustered if you try to help them with the barbecue? This isn't just a Dyspraxia thing, it may well just be a 'Man' thing. Also, dyspraxia makes it easy to get overloaded with sensory information. If he's dealing with a task and you're standing behind him giving him suggestions (however well-intentioned!) it just adds to the 'cognitive load' and takes up valuable 'brain space'.

Try opening your PC and running Word, Excel, Powerpoint, One Note, Photoshop (open loads of photos in it for maximum effect!) and World of Warcraft at the same time. Your PC will start to stutter and slow down. A similar thing happens with the human mind when too much goes in at once.

Other days he seems to have zero motivation, even when I tell him how important it is for my mental health to have a clean house and things in order.

Not just your mental health, but your physical health as well. Also the ability to find things, get things done, the ability to relax... There are so many benefits to having a neat, clean orderly house. Oddly, the tidier and more organised a place is, the less you have to think about things, and the easier everything becomes. No more hunting around for scissors, screwdrivers, pizza menus... Bliss.

It's like he does the absolute bare minimum to keep from getting into trouble before going to lie on the couch and watch telly. We moved house two months ago (we used to live with a flatmate before but he moved out because he couldn't stand the mess, among other reasons) and everything is still sitting packed up in the hallway. I've offered to pay for a cleaner if it will make our lives easier, but we couldn't get a cleaner to come in until we've unpacked, which he just won't touch unless I nag and nag and nag. I feel like I'm going around in circles with him. I love him but I'm so frustrated.

The more you nag, the more he'll not do it. I suspect that your asking him to do it is possibly preventing him from doing it, because if he does so, then he's been 'told what to do'. This is pretty emasculating, and a lot of men won't respond well to being told over and over to do something...

I still have the sole responsibility of looking after my mum, who lives two hours away and doesn't have any friends or support except me, and I don't really have any other family to speak of. I have great friends, but we are in the same circle of friends and he hasn't told any of them about his problems, so I can't really turn to them for help either because I don't want to betray his trust.

You could try telling him that unless he gets checked out by the psychologist and OT, or pulls himself together and starts sorting it out, you'll consider enlisting outside assistance (e.g. asking a male friend to help with the unpacking).

My g/f always struggled with ambiguity in any instructions or requests, so I'd recommend being clear about what you want him to do (e.g. personal hygiene, tidiness, wearing clean clothes for a start), and also be clear about what consequences may arise (e.g. you moving out, no sex until he has a shower etc.)

It feels like I'm eternally bound to looking after other people. Am I selfish for feeling this way? Does anyone have any advice?

You're not eternally bound to anything. You can walk away any time you like. This may sound harsh, but it sounds like you have decided you want a future with him, and have committed yourself to the relationship! I don't think you're selfish, just a bit conflicted about whether or not to stick at it, and whether or not you can cope with him being messy and disorganised!

I think you need to draw up some clear boundaries regarding what is and isn't acceptable though. If you carry on doing nothing, then the fact that you're still putting up with it is almost akin to rewarding his behaviour... And that won't do either of you any favours

[Girl265]

I understand where your coming from with how frustrating it can be living with a dyspraxic person. I sometimes can make it very difficult on my mum especially when she is only trying to help because sometimes I feel she can over explain things that are very easy but at the same time I clan either pick something up quick or slower.
It is frustrating not being able to do what some kids can do so try have some patience with him or maybe even suggest that he gets diagnosed and help if he wants it?