Noel is a friend of my older sisters who I met in December 20098 when I was suffering depression, grieving over my ex and lost my identity or the person I was. After I met him and he text me, I was beginning to get curious about him of whether or not he was my soulmate so I told him alot about myself - more about my interests, likes and passions and hobbies but I was implying that I was like that when I knew myself and he was very amazed with my text, he said. I asked him about himself and he told me and I liked everything except for parting and over working.
I felt that we both are adventurious, open - minded, good fun, friendly, very affectionate, interested in the theory or concept of human relationships, we both love spontaniousity and spicing up our sex lives, we like picknics, going for walks, playing board games, we both prefer soft porn to hard core, we love to spoon and cuddle, wrestle, pay for others with dinner etc, like to make someone we like feel good by cheering them up or helping them, interested in the philosphy of life, like to take risks, love thrills and feelings of ectstasy, we both like our own space, traveling, going to gigs, and are both passionate ab out music and like poetry.
We became contact buddies shortly but I rang him more than he rang me and when he rang me which was only once, we spoke for at least 4 hours and I thinkg he was suggesting that we hook up and be sex buddies or friends with benefits. He text me saying "I don't really know you but I know that you're cool and all. I don't want a relationship but I would love to hook up for the craic and see wher it leads to. What did he mean by that???
Anyway we kissed on February 2009 because he wanted me to and I was curious to see what kind of passionate kisser he was so I kissed him and he asked me what I thought and I said "It was okay but he wasn't happy and asked why. After a while he said "I don't believe it, I am starting to get really into you and this never happened before. "I never felt his way when I met you!. He kept looking at me then as if he were in a trance and he followed my eyes wherever they went and took a gentle grip on the top of my hair which I am guessing was his way of persuading or seducing me to kiss him but I just kept looking away because I was begining to find him atractive and was trying to avoid getting intimate with any guy. Later I was tired and relaxed, my energy was gone and I was resting on his shoulder because I gave up trying to remove his arms from around my stomic and when I was half awake he gently tilted my chin and he had me because I didn't want to fight it anymore so I gave in to the kiss. We became very close firends and he asked me to be his friend.
We are not friends anymore since June 2009 and I still like to create a little world in my head that we are or imagine being with him intimatly just to get some bliss and satisfaction, because in reality we are not hanging out anymore because he doesn't want to and we are intimate so I like to go into the place where we are every now and again everyday like I'm reading a romantic novel or anything erotic because I have to accept this reality. Does it mean anything??? I might have been slighly jealous last night when I saw him and another preety young girl in her 20s connecting with him physically. He rarely or barely speaks to me any more. I don't think I could change the future or design it even though I hear that we can with the power of our minds.
I am moving on with my life, doing my own thing and still mixing with people and hanging out with few friends, reading and relaxing but I like thinking about him and fantasising about him. What I want the most is for him to talk to me and want to talk to me for at least 30minutes or half an hour without using excueses to leave me or get out of a discussion. I whish we could talk about why things ended the way they did and if I hurt him in anyway, what I could do or what he wants me to do to make it up to him, if that's what he wants I would do it. I also would like to appologise and explaine for my strange behavour and tell him that is not really who I am, I just wasn't the best and show him or tell him about the real me. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy.
All he told me was that, he is sorry, that is him, he is sorry, he doesn't want to hang out any more, we have nothing in common, I was asking him questions that he didn't know or didn't care about or and telling things that he did not know or care about, I will always talk to you when I see you but I don't feel the need to talk one on one. I have absolutely no idea why he thinks we have nothing in common and what I asked him or said that made him feel very uncomfortable or that he didn't know about which bugged him. He told me that he likes every part of me and likes hanging out with me so I don't understand where it all went wrong. Whenever he sees me he gives me the look as if he either is very atracted me still or is fascinted by me or fancys me. Maybe he doesn't fancy me. Whener I approach him, he smiles and he offers me a hug which I reject. When he approached me on the street I think he wanted a hug and when we were friends, he offered me a hug months after the night he kissed me. When we hung out the second time we huged each other as he said "i will be your friend, even tnough you may have lots of friends I am your friend. The night he said that I caught him going for my left leg and he appologised, I accidently grabbed onto his leg when I was comforting him and after a while he was gazing at me and smiling as if he were in a trance which he did twise that night and only caught himself the second time. He also did this weeks later when my older sister invited him into the house when we were alone in the sitting room and I was tempted to sit beside him and snog him when he called me over but I didn't. I wanted to be with him that night and the second time we hung out as well.
The second time Noel and I hung out I was becoming extremely sexually attracted to him which I realised when we were holding hands while walking to a waterfall and I wanted him to let go of my hand because I was getting very excited and my hear was racing and I was kinda tingly and wanted him to kiss me again but he didn't. I wanted to be with him that night. I didn't kiss him because men always go first and I didn't want to make a fool of myself and the kiss could have went further. When I was in the car that night and Noel said he has work in the morning, I didn't want to get out of the car, it felt like there was something something me from getting out of the car, like I had a mission or something like I was supposed kiss him, ask him to kiss me, tell him something or ask him something important. I don't know what it was but I didn't want to get out the car. Weird haw???
My older sister says that he thinks I am weird, strange, not adult enough for him, childish, immiture and that my mother is right to be controling of me because he noticed something in me or something about me or both that he never saw before and he completelty turned him off and that he recognised it a while after us hanging out or being around me. We only hung out together twise. I do have a learning disabilty do which try to be in control of. It is a Developmental Co- ordination Disorder and may be mild Dyspraxia. But if I have hurt him in any way I want to make it up to him regardless of whether I get his friendship back, hoping he will want me, or him talking to me because I would feel alot better in myself for making a mends with him. I would also like to correct his negative pereception and believes of me as a person.
Can anything be done??? Why do you reccon I have thoughts of him and those images I described at the beginning???
I have acknowledged that I am still extremely atracted to him, sexually atracted to him thought and I am 100 percent sure of it. Noel is a full time band manger as well as a producer. I am 23 and he is 27.
WB.....