Friends

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

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Creative
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Friends

Post by Creative » Tue Aug 26, 2008 8:17 pm

Do you find it hard to make close friends? I find this difficult. I get on well with most of the people I volunteer with but I don't see many people socially. One of my best friends has said some hurtful things to my mum and this has made things difficult for me. This has made me feel insecure about friendships in general.

blackbroom
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Re: Friends

Post by blackbroom » Fri Aug 29, 2008 11:35 am

I find it easier to make friends these days, but it's something I've found hard for most of my life, so I can really sympathise.

It must be really difficult with the trouble between your friend and your mum.

It's good that you get on well with the other volunteers. Do you ever do anything socially with them? If not, is it possible to suggest doing soemthing social together, like going for a meal or see a film?

For me, the way I found to make friends was to do lots of activities that put me in contact with people (e.g. evening classes, hobby groups, living in a shared house rather than in a flat or bedsit on my own), to not try too hard or get upset if I was unpopular or on the outside to start with, but to let things develop gradually.

For example, about five years ago I went on a short drama course. Throughout the course, I felt that everyone was a bit standoffish to me and thought I was a bit weird, but I didn't let it get to me. I just enjoyed learning as much as I could from the workshops, sat with everyone at lunch and enjoyed their conversations, but didn't try too hard to impress them. When the course ended, one of the girls suggested we have reunion meetings every couple of months, so I went along. The first two or three, I still felt very on the outside, but gradually some people lost interest and fewer people started turning up, so we were down to meetings of 3 or 4, where I felt much more comfortable and it was easier to get to know people a lot better. Now, 5 years on, one of the girls from the course is a really, really close friend, who I can talk to about anything, and two of the others I still meet occasionally for a meal or a drink.

Creative
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Re: Friends

Post by Creative » Fri Aug 29, 2008 7:08 pm

Thankyou for your reply. Yes I go to the cinema quite often with 2 of the people I volunteer with. This is really good fun and we are going again soon.

I know that I will eventually make other friendships and I do have some friends now. It's just difficult right now as I don't know what will happen to my friendship with the woman who upset my mum. That is the main problem. I will post when I have seen her again and let you know how I got on.

blackbroom
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Re: Friends

Post by blackbroom » Fri Aug 29, 2008 7:46 pm

Glad you get on so well with your co-volunteers, and sorry if I misconstrued/ came across as patronising.

It must be really upsetting with the tension between your friend and your mother. Hope you manage to sort things out with them, as it must be awful to be caught in the middle.

Creative
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Re: Friends

Post by Creative » Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:43 pm

No you didn't come across as patronising. Your post was helpful.

I am seeing my friend for a coffee tommorow. I hope it goes ok and I don't feel to akward around her. There were a lot of silences last time.

blackbroom
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Re: Friends

Post by blackbroom » Sat Aug 30, 2008 10:33 pm

Good luck. I hope this meeting helps clear the air with your friend. Let me know how you got on.

Creative
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Re: Friends

Post by Creative » Sun Aug 31, 2008 12:25 pm

Just got back. It went ok and didn't feel too akward. She is away for a few weeks so I wont be seeing her again for a while. This is good as it means I will not be so much in the habit of seeing her on Sundays.

blackbroom
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Re: Friends

Post by blackbroom » Sun Aug 31, 2008 6:39 pm

I'm pleased that it went OK and it's probably good that, as things have turned out, you've got some space. Hope thaty things go better when she gets back.

Creative
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Re: Friends

Post by Creative » Sun Aug 31, 2008 7:48 pm

Thanks. What I am going to do is to try and find some other things to do on a Sunday. This is when I usually see her. That way I wont be dependant on her and it will give me some more space. I do want to see her sometimes but every week is too much.

mattie
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Re: Friends

Post by mattie » Sat Sep 20, 2008 9:23 pm

I still find making friends really hard, although in the last year I have made a few really good friends. :)

I find being myself the hardest part, particularly as I have always been quite shy in the company of others. I definitely feel things are on the up in this regard, though.

cat27
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Re: Friends

Post by cat27 » Sat Sep 20, 2008 9:40 pm

I know for a fact mattie that you are definitely not shy! At least not with me! We have had some really good times together,
and you have had me in stitches! :D I know exactly how you feel though, we are so alike, your self conscious in front of other people because you don't like others judging you. I hate that feeling! People assume i really quiet and shy, but in reality, while
I'm not the life and soul of the party i am not a naturally quite person, and i want to socialize more.
I am luckier than a lot of others though, as i have a good friend like you!

sheppeyescapee
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Re: Friends

Post by sheppeyescapee » Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:59 pm

I find it really hard to make friends. I tend to react either by being really shy or not knowing when to shut up, I don't pick up non-verbal cues and talk way beyond the point where the person has got bored. My wife has only just learnt that if I'm talking about my latest "obsession" that I probably won't stop unless she tells me to shut up and that doesn't always work.

People have found with me that I can either be aloof or too intense. I tend to make 1 friend at a time and get a bit obsessed to the point that I scare them off :blush: The only way that I have solved that is by not letting myself get too close to people, but then I get accused to being uncaring.

Luckily I have a few friends that I don't see often but they are completely understanding of my need to have that distance. I prefer my own company the majority of the time as I spend a lot of time at uni so I need it to recover from that.

There are times that it bothers me that I don't have many friends. My wife has been telling me I need to get out of the house more as she wants some time in it on her own to chill out..
I am J, 24, husband, student, diagnosed AS and Dyspraxia.

Creative
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Re: Friends

Post by Creative » Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:09 pm

I'm not too bad at talkng to older people but I only have one friend who is 24 like me. I worry that people my own age wont like me. This is because I was bullied at school and it still means I worry that people my own age might not like me.

mattie
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Re: Friends

Post by mattie » Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:54 pm

I'm sure many would, Creative. :) I have read many of your posts and you come across as a really nice, intelligent and likable person. :)

Mattie.

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Pooky
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Re: Friends

Post by Pooky » Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:16 pm

I find it ok to make associates - i.e people who you will come into contact with on a day to day basis.

However I find it very difficult to make 'close' friends. Those who you feel totally comfortable chatting to about personal issues or problems.

Strangely for me, as I female I find it much easier to make male friends than I do female ones. I never quite know what to say to other women, yet can perfectly hold a conversation with men.

My closest friend is my other half.

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