Moved in with partner

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

Moderator: Moderator Team

Post Reply
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2019 1:01 pm

Moved in with partner

Post by magpie1984 » Sat Jan 19, 2019 1:41 pm

I was not diagnosed until 30. I am now 34. We were together 3 months and decided I would move down to live with my partner from another part of the UK, so she could be nearer her 17 and 18 year old (who don't live with her.) I was always up for being with someone with children, but I went into the relationship knowing they were a bit older and moved in at a time when it was just to be us. I may have not done it so quick had I knew the dynamic was different. Her son has Aspergers and rarely goes out, now there is a chance he may move in permanently. Some points with her children I agree with, others I don't but who am I to interfere? Am there to support. Her daughter has caused a lot of problems recently. I met all her family between October when I moved in and chistmas. I just feel like so overwhelmed and like I am yet to even start settling in. She says she doesn't really understand, because I had always wanted a relationship, now am with someone instead of alone and "am sorry but, none of anything that has happened is anything I can help. It is my family, it is ME that is DEALING with it. I f YOU are stressed how do you think I feel?" On a day to day basis, living alone with dyspraxia and hypermobility was very lonely, far from easy and I barely saw anyone- never finding the right support for employment.

I had broghut up renting somewhere just near, but she thought was a terrible idea, what was point in me moving down all my stuff, then later doing another move to to move in . why not just move in now? It meant I lost benefits and not yet had time to find a job, as she has also just been diagnosed with a stomach condition and waiting for treatment. So I have been there for her through all of that, trying to be strong as she has had to go on and off work, come home early..then finally be signed off. I have held back on making in roads so far to my life, because there has been SO MUCH going on whether arrnagements to meet family, talking to her about the illness, the kids, amongst other things and, let's face it...she helps me with all those practical things I have always struggled with, so they take less time are much easier BUT my head feels melted instead. And I feel awful in saying that!

Nobody has ever understood me or loved me like she does. And I am 34! I do not want to waste any more time. She is very passionate and I love that, very loving, very patient with me but she talks so much when she gets passionate, gets infuriated with things, talks to the cat every 5 minutes asking me to look at him, fuss him, reminding me if I love him or not he loves me and there is nothing I can do about it. It is sweet obviously but sometimes I wanna scream "HE IS A CAT! SHUT UP! This programme is only on for 30 minutes!" But that is NOT me. She talks through programmes I struggle to follow making judgments. going "Am right though aren't I?" **** sake. Then if I bring it up she seems hurt and says am sorry for being so passionate, but you knew it is how I am. It maybe better I just say nothing. It's ok to be sensitive, but you seem intimidated." I don't know whhether to argue back because I don't know if all this is normal for me to react to, if it is my dyspraxia or not. I don't want to seem like am using it, if really this is just me , has nothing to do with it or is actually a natural feeling I am having. I have finally found someone and now thinking oh my god, am I just not cut out to be with someone or is this natural as it has happened so fast, should I just take it all on the chin and grow up and push on as everyone has to? Or is it not just me that would be crumbling under pressure? Needless to say, awaiting new appilcation for another benefit I may or may not get, her take on if you do not get it, you don't your my partner and I do not see it as my money or your money we SHARE it. I don't care what you earn or don't because I love you and I think yes- but, I need to feel some pride. I just don't know anymore......then I seem so unappreciative of the most selfless, wonderful person one could find.

Tom fod
Posts: 2091
Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 9:05 pm
Location: SW UK

Re: Moved in with partner

Post by Tom fod » Sun Jan 20, 2019 5:27 pm

We can't help how we feel and deep down you (quite rightly, but not without guilt), feel like you are one who has made all the 'sacrifices'. Moving to a new town, living and meeting completely new people, some of whom, will naturally be thinking and judging you as the new man in her life. No one can be perfect all of the time. It's completely normal to be asking can I give her what she needs? Can we put up with each others' quirks? Dyspraxia and/or less life experience of living with a partner is going to make processing these life changes challenging.

Anyone, irrespective of dyspraxia, could struggle with changes of moving to a new town and living under a roof with different people and as you rightly say you cannot try to change her any more than she can expect you to change for her. It's natural for you to want to feel like you're contributing, societal values and societal expectations of traditional gender roles and all that. I reckon if I ever met anyone I'd be feeling much the same.Look for ways you can complement each other but remember you need to give each other some outlet for interrupted 'me' time sometimes.

Hope that helps.

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Getting settled in
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2019 7:46 am

Re: Moved in with partner

Post by EnigmaticLila » Thu Jan 24, 2019 8:11 am

From her passionate rantings and irritability and sensitivity it sounds like she may be on the autism spectrum - even if it is mild. I only say this because she has a son with aspergers and it is known to be hereditary. Try not taking her outbursts personally and read the book for partners from Rudy Simone.

Moving is so tough with dyspraxia and not having your own income feels like another blow because its hard enough needing help (not so much needing it but being clumsy and inefficient means other people will take things on for you) with daily living activities without feeling guilty. Hang in there, find ways to contribute at home or do little things that make you feel settled in like having your own decorations out, using your mugs or just having familiar things around you.

If you can, I highly recommend going to CBT talk therapy for relationship skills (being dyspraxic means missing cues, not being able to use correct tone/volume or muddling things up when talking). I personally have found occupational therapy to be an amazing help as its made me feel like I actually have energy levels and my handwriting has improved so if you can find an occupational therapist, I would definitely say you should go.

Living with others can be hard and the emotions even more difficult to deal with. Try telling your partner how you feel by just explaining that you need time to familiarize yourself with the new layout and that you still haven't processed the move. Let her know that you support her and that you can understand how much harder it is for her with her family and that you will manage with getting your bearings on your own but she needs to keep in mind that you are finding it difficult too right now. You need to work together to find solutions and take care of the emotional difficulties through understanding and awareness rather than expectation.

If having uninterrupted TV time is important to you, let her know gently by asking for a certain amount of quiet time. If she talks or something during that time, don't snap but remind her that your brain is overwhelmed and you can only deal with one sound at a time - her or the tv - and ask her which she would like to engage with. It's very very hard not to get snappy and grouchy. I don't get it right all the time but at least your partner will come to learn about sounds and sensory overload.

The thing to learn is not about avoiding bickering over things but rather that after a snap or two, you come from a loving position and let them know you love and care for them no matter what.

Post Reply